Story Notes:
Well, here's my very first story! To be honest, I'm quite excited to be doing this. I was motivated to start writing after reading both Luca, by Felix, and Mina, by Crystal Serebii. I hope you'll enjoy, and leave suggestions!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are property of their rightful owners. The plot and characters are of my own creation. I'm not associated with the creators, producers, or owners of any media franchise in any way, and I am not expecting any profit to be made whatsoever. No copyright infringement is intended.
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Prologue: Humble Beginnings (5013 words)
[Reviews: 1] This is a chapter which will explain how Jason and Star met. There is no smut yet, since this chapter took place when they were still young, but I promise that there will be smut later on.
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New Friends! (7714 words)
[Reviews: 2] 'Ello once again! I finally finished the first chapter (about time!) and am happy with how it turned out. Please, leave your thoughts and opinions! They help! A lot!
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Problems and Surprises! (6973 words)
[Reviews: 2] About time! I have to thank Captain_Dragonuv and Anger Incarnate for finding some mistakes and giving me some advice. Because of my move confusion, I decided to use their movelists from Pokemon Black. Thank you for bearing with me, because things came up while I was trying to work. Other than that, enjoy!
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Homecoming (10109 words)
[Reviews: 1] Woohoo! It's about time I uploaded a chapter! I've been awfully sick, and I didn't have much time in the day to get a lot of work done. I'm looking at you, GTA V! Anyways, I hope you'll enjoy this longer-than-normal chapter, and leave your opinion and all that good stuff!
Date:Aug 6 2013 Chapter:Prologue: Humble Beginnings
However, there is one thing tbat you NEED to fix pronto:
The Text Wall
-> You should add paragraph breakers to make it an easier read, and signify when different people are talking. The sooner its resolved, the better.
{} Achievement Unlocked: 15G
Starting Out
"Posted your first story"
{} Achievement Unlocked: 15G
Backstory, backstory
"Have the first Chapter of a story pose as a prologue/backstory."
{} Achievement Unlocked: -5G
Stonewalled
"Not the TEXTWALL!"
Date:Aug 6 2013 Chapter:New Friends!
Just so you know for future chapters:
Psychic-Type moves have no effect on Dark-Types, unless MiracleEye is used
Electric-Type moves have no effect on Ground-Types, including ThunderWave
And both Star and Zoren are using moves they cannot learn at all.
Keep it up, and perhaps you should get a beta-reader
Date:Aug 12 2013 Chapter:New Friends!
Story-wise, I feel some aspect that the cave situation could provide wasn't used, granted the foreshadowing with the (let's be honest here) "evolution" Star bit did add something to it besides monetary. Perhaps it's just my take on it, but a vast treasure like you're describing sounds like it should have a guard...
Just an easy plot twist to add in the story for another time perhaps.
Date:Aug 30 2013 Chapter:Problems and Surprises!
A secondary note is that you still have a text wall--even though there are a few paragraph breaks this time. Take the advice both Anger and myself have given you and insert paragraph/line breaks between different speakers.
And finally, thank you for the honorable mention in the chapter notes. Hope to see more from you very soon---and perhaps a review on my work (wink wink).
Date:Sep 1 2013 Chapter:Problems and Surprises!
Some of the previous problems do still exist, and with some of the small hiccups with quotation marks it this chapter, it became mildly tricky to tell if someone was speaking or reciting a monologue. Definately have to be careful with that.
If I do have one thing bothering me, it's that Star and Jason seemed to be too clingy in the dilemma of this chapter. Jason's reaction wasn't too concerting, but Star's seemed...different. For instance, when Star got constrained by the grunt, could she have not broken his grip easily with her psychic prowess, or was she just facing the wrong direction? Should she really have been so worried with so many allies nearby? She's clearly powerful since she can take down a "I'm no rookie, I'm a 20-year vet!" Haxorus. I can respect that the thought of separation and threatening of her life could lead to spontaneous helplessness, but I just guessed a different reaction would happen. Just a bit of nitpicking.
Grammatically, with a few misplaced quotation marks, I also found just one Fragment. To your defence, these are rather hard to locate and spot if you keep your text like it is. Definately fix the text wall, and these problems will be spotted with just a general overview.
Date:Oct 15 2013 Chapter:Homecoming
Although you listed when the POV changed, it would have been better to format it as such.
Like;
"Star's POV: [time frame] later"
But on a good note, great sex at the end!
Thank you very much! This means a lot to me. I'm glad that you're enjoying it so far!