The Grandiose Plan of Lord Ilpalazzo!
*Disclaimer*
WARNING: The following is hazardous to your health and your sanity, and should not be read unless you are really bored or have some kinda death wish. It's got lotsa sex, so if you're 18, go ahead and read it. If not.... what the hell do I care? If you're not 18, read it anyway! Learn the facts of life the way you're supposed to: by reading a message from a strange man on the internet. Oh well, let's get down to some serious business here. Pokemon belongs to Nintendo/Game Freak, and Excel Saga belongs to Rikdo Koshi. There. Now read, ya crazy bastards! :P Note: Not every chapter will have sex in it, although every chapter WILL have the same disclaimer. Why? Because I'm lazy, that's why!
*Writer's Note*
Here we go! I fear I'll soon be known as Two Faced Delita-san! On one face, Mr. Serious Lemon Writer, who focuses on doing actual real ass lemons, whether they be funny or dramatic, and on the other face, Mr. Stupid, the lemon writer who thoroughly enjoys wasting your time with the dumbest crap he can think of! Which am I? Email me with your vote now after reading all my lemons, and I'll tally the results and post 'em! I should warn you, the only reason I thought to write this is because I was writing Pokemon lemons at 3:30 in the morning and happened to listen to the theme to Excel Saga. Well, here goes. The musical theme to this lemon is Ai (Chuuseishin). If ya want it, email me and ask really nicely. I should warn you, Excel Saga is a WEIRD show, and it sometimes makes fun of various effects in anime (for example, the waterfall tears). Watch volume one on DVD, you'll understand what I mean. And, for fans of the Excel Saga TV show, yes, Pedro DOES make an appearance.
Invasion of ACROSS
Written by: Delita-san
Email: [email protected]
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter One: The Grandiose Plan of Lord Ilpalazzo!
--------------------------------------------------
Lord Ilpalazzo, leader of the super-secret ideological organization known as ACROSS, sits in his base, idly flicking through a magazine. He comes across an article: "Team Rocket strikes again! Feared organization threatens to take over the world!" He crumples the magazine and throws it in the trash. "Bastards! Trying to take over MY world! It's mine, dammit! I'll get them yet!" he says, scowling. Excel and Hyatt walk in. "HAIL, ILPALAZZO!" they shout as they salute. "The world is corrupt! We must help them to see the error of their ways! Only one force stands in the way of our goal! We must defeat our rivals, Team Rocket!" Ilpalazzo says, doing his usual inspirational speech. "Um, Ilpalazzo-sama? I feel that I may soon be in the pit for pointing this out, but Team Rocket outnumbers us about a thousand to one." Excel says. "Your foresight serves you well, Excel-kun." Ilpalazzo says, pulling on the rope marked "Pull to Purge Enemies". Excel falls into the pit. "However, you do raise a good point. For this purpose, I think we must expand ourselves! We must find at least TWO new members!" Ilpalazzo says triumphantly. Excel manages to climb out of the pit. "Only two?" she asks. "Yes, only two." Ilpalazzo replies. "Why?" Hyatt asks. "Because that's all we can afford outfits for." Ilpalazzo says. "Now, go find me some recruits!" he commands, dramatically pointing his hand forwards.
Two young men are walking down a street. One, with spiky red hair (in a Cloud Strife-esque do), the other with bright blue hair (In a Squall Leonhart-esque do). "God dammit, we'll never get a job in this economy! Everything that makes money now is related to Pokemon, and we haven't a damn clue about ANYTHING when it comes to Pokemon." the red haired one says. "No, Utsusemi-sempai, that's not the right attitude. What we need to do is school ourselves on Pokemon. Once we do that, we should be fine." the blue haired one says. "Hiroshi, wake up! We're dirt poor! We're on our last fifty bucks, and then we're totally screwed." Utsusemi replies. "Ilpalazzo-sama, I have found two potential members." Excel says into her cell phone. "How are they 'potential'?" Ilpalazzo asks in response. "They are poor, down on their luck, and jobless!" Excel replies. "Not unlike yourself, Excel-kun. Indeed, they MUST be of some use to us. Bring them in at once!" Ilpalazzo replies. Excel and Hyatt move in. They jump out of the bushes at Utsusemi and Hiroshi. "Eyyaaah!! What the hell?!" Hiroshi screams, jumping into Utsusemi's arms. Utsusemi drops him hard on the ground. "We couldn't help but hear your problems, boys.." Excel says with a smile. "Yeah.. so?" Utsusemi replies. "We thought maybe we could help, right Ha-chan?" Excel says. "But Excel-sempai, we don't have any--" Hyatt starts, before passing out. "Holy shit, is she okay?!" Hiroshi asks. "She's fine. Now, we can pay you, but we need your help." Excel says, ignoring Hyatt. Utsusemi and Hiroshi stare at Hyatt with wide eyes. "Uhh, there's blood coming from her mouth..." Utsusemi says. "That happens. Now, come on! Let's go!" Excel says, picking up Hyatt. "Well, we ARE desperate for cash, right?" Hiroshi asks. "Fine." Utsusemi says. Excel leads them to a field, and the turns to them. "Due to the nature of the business you are about to enter, I must request that until you are trustable, you wear these." she says, putting down Hyatt and reaching into her pocket. She pulls out a pair of blindfolds. "Ooh! You're kinky, aren't you?" Utsusemi jokingly says, grabbing a blindfold. Hiroshi grabs one nervously. They wrap the blindfolds around their heads and stand there. "Well, come on!" Excel says, picking Hyatt back up. "Come where!? We can't freakin see." Utsusemi says. A sweatdrop rolls down Excel's head. "FINE! Take off the blindfolds, but forget the route here when we're done!" she says angrilly. Utsusemi and Hiroshi remove the blindfolds. Excel leads them into the main chamber of the base. There, Ilpalazzo sits in his chair, reading a magazine. "HAIL, ILPALAZZO!" Excel shouts, saluting. Hyatt drops to the ground as Excel salutes. "h-hail....Il...pala..zzo.." she weakly mumbles. Ilpalazzo tosses the magazine panickedly and launches into one of his speeches. "The world is corrupt! The guiding light in this world must be..." he starts. "Umm, Ilpalazzo-sama, I have the two recruits you wanted to see." Excel says. Ilpalazzo looks over. "Oh. Well then, tell us your names!" he says dramatically, pointing at Utsusemi and Hiroshi, who look at each other with confusion. "Errr... I'm Utsusemi!" Utsusemi mutters. "Hiroshi." "Well then, are you two willing to help change the world?" Ilpalazzo asks. "If there's a steady paycheck involved, I'll do pretty much anything." Utsusemi says. Ilpalazzo looks confused for a moment. Excel begins to take a few steps backward. "EXCEL-KUN!! Did you promise these men MONEY?!" Ilpalazzo bellows. Excel begins to nervously sweat. "Ummm... perhaps..." she mumbles. The rope marked "Pull to Purge Enemies" lowers. Utsusemi and Hiroshi look confusedly at the scene unfolding. "Excel-kun, you know that we have limited resources until headquarters can give us further funding..." Ilpalazzo says, reaching for the rope. "I-I-I was only doing what I had to to get them to join us..." she says apologetically. "So wait, let me get this straight... there's no money?" Utsusemi mutters. "Correct." Ilpalazzo replies. "That's it, I'm gone." Utsusemi says, looking for the exit. He walks right alongside Excel. "I can't have that!" Ilpalazzo says, and pulls the rope. Both Excel and Utsusemi fall into the pit. "Gyaahh!!! What the fuck?! GOD DAMN, THOSE ARE FUCKING SHARKS!! AAAAGHH!!!!" Utsusemi screams from inside the pit. Both Excel and Utsusemi can be heard screaming. Hiroshi looks scared. "My god, you've killed them!" he screams. "Not nescessarily." Ilpalazzo replies. Excel and Utsusemi climb out of the pit, their clothes shredded. "What the hell is going on here?!" Utsusemi shouts angrilly. "You cannot leave! You know too much!" Ilpalazzo says. Utsusemi storms up to Ilpalazzo and grabs him by his shoulder pads. "Listen up, you freakin' fag, and listen good! Unless I'm getting paid, no force in heaven or on earth can keep me here! Now either gimme some money or let me go. You don't want to experience option three." Utsusemi growls. Ilpalazzo simply smirks. "Very well. You will get your money. But there are a few important things that must take place first." Ilpalazzo says. Utsusemi releases him. "Like what?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. "Well, for starters..." Ilpalazzo starts. "You've got to be fitted for a uniform!" he shouts, and all of a sudden everyone is in a fitting room, and Utsusemi is in his underpants. "H-hey! What just happened?!" Utsusemi shouts, looking around, confused. "The scene suddenly changed." Excel explains. "That makes less sense then where the hell I ended up!! And where are my clothes?!" Utsusemi howls. The Great Will of Macrocosm runs by with his clothing. "What the hell was that?! And where is it taking my pants?!" he screams, freaked out seeing a swirling vortex with arms run off with his clothes. "That was the Great Will of Macrocosm. As for why it took your clothing, I have no idea." Ilpalazzo says.
*Meanwhile, somewhere in Brazil*
Mr. Pe (Pedro) stares into the window of his old home. There his wife and son are eating with Gomez. "Someone!! Please!! Look at me!! Sandora!!" he pleads through the window, but no one seems to notice he even exists. Gomez dismisses Sandora (the son) from the table. He looks into (Pedro's Wife)'s eyes. "My darling, soon our son will be here." he says. "Until then, let us make love here on the table!" (Pedro's Wife) replies. They then sweep everything off the table and start going at it right there. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
*Back in F City, F Prefecture*
Utsusemi stands there, now wearing a dark blue uniform with large metal shoulder pads, a pair of leather gloves, and some steel toed leather boots. Excel looks at him for a moment. "Hey, Ilpalazzo-sama, why does his outift look better than mine?" she asks. "Because, we actually had a bit of a budget for his uniform. As I recall, yours is from your closet." Ilpalazzo replies. Hiroshi emerges from the uniform room wearing a dark red uniform similar to Utsusemi's, only it has one shoulder pad. His gloves are a different style and he's wearing regular leather boots. "Welcome to ACROSS!!! I hope that you will work as hard as the rest of us towards our goal!" Ilpalazzo says, dramatically posing. "And that goal is...?" Utsusemi asks. "THE CONQUEST OF THIS CITY!!!!" Ilpalazzo, Excel and Hyatt shout. Hyatt stops halfway through and passes out. "Do the two of you have your own lodgings?" Ilpalazzo asks. "We're on the verge of eviction, to be honest." Hiroshi says. "I see. Transfer your things to this address. It is ACROSS' personell lodging." Ilpalazzo says, handing Utsusemi and Hiroshi a piece of paper. Excel looks. "Uhhhh... Ilpalazzo-sama, thats MY address. I'm alreayd living with Ha-chan, I don't think there's room.." she says. Ilpalazzo begins reaching for the rope.
"O-on the other hand... It might be nice and cozy!" she panickedly squeaks out. Ilpalazzo stops reaching. "Let's hope so." Ilpalazzo says. "Before you step to that, I have a mission for you... to test your loyalty..." Ilpalazzo starts.
The Grandiose Plan of Lord Ilpalazzo: Today's Experiment -----------Failed.
---------------
End Chapter One
---------------
Writer's End notes:
Yep! That's chapter one! Didja enjoy it? I know, it had more to do with Excel Saga than Pokemon, but trust me, there'll be a lot more to do with Pokemon soon. Well, if ya go any questions/comments, email me. No flames please! I only want some CONSTRUCTIVE criticsm.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The following is hazardous to your health and your sanity, and should not be read unless you are really bored or have some kinda death wish. It's got lotsa sex, so if you're 18, go ahead and read it. If not.... what the hell do I care? If you're not 18, read it anyway! Learn the facts of life the way you're supposed to: by reading a message from a strange man on the internet. Oh well, let's get down to some serious business here. Pokemon belongs to Nintendo/Game Freak, and Excel Saga belongs to Rikdo Koshi. There. Now read, ya crazy bastards! :P Note: Not every chapter will have sex in it, although every chapter WILL have the same disclaimer. Why? Because I'm lazy, that's why!
*Writer's Note*
Here we go! I fear I'll soon be known as Two Faced Delita-san! On one face, Mr. Serious Lemon Writer, who focuses on doing actual real ass lemons, whether they be funny or dramatic, and on the other face, Mr. Stupid, the lemon writer who thoroughly enjoys wasting your time with the dumbest crap he can think of! Which am I? Email me with your vote now after reading all my lemons, and I'll tally the results and post 'em! I should warn you, the only reason I thought to write this is because I was writing Pokemon lemons at 3:30 in the morning and happened to listen to the theme to Excel Saga. Well, here goes. The musical theme to this lemon is Ai (Chuuseishin). If ya want it, email me and ask really nicely. I should warn you, Excel Saga is a WEIRD show, and it sometimes makes fun of various effects in anime (for example, the waterfall tears). Watch volume one on DVD, you'll understand what I mean. And, for fans of the Excel Saga TV show, yes, Pedro DOES make an appearance.
Invasion of ACROSS
Written by: Delita-san
Email: [email protected]
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter One: The Grandiose Plan of Lord Ilpalazzo!
--------------------------------------------------
Lord Ilpalazzo, leader of the super-secret ideological organization known as ACROSS, sits in his base, idly flicking through a magazine. He comes across an article: "Team Rocket strikes again! Feared organization threatens to take over the world!" He crumples the magazine and throws it in the trash. "Bastards! Trying to take over MY world! It's mine, dammit! I'll get them yet!" he says, scowling. Excel and Hyatt walk in. "HAIL, ILPALAZZO!" they shout as they salute. "The world is corrupt! We must help them to see the error of their ways! Only one force stands in the way of our goal! We must defeat our rivals, Team Rocket!" Ilpalazzo says, doing his usual inspirational speech. "Um, Ilpalazzo-sama? I feel that I may soon be in the pit for pointing this out, but Team Rocket outnumbers us about a thousand to one." Excel says. "Your foresight serves you well, Excel-kun." Ilpalazzo says, pulling on the rope marked "Pull to Purge Enemies". Excel falls into the pit. "However, you do raise a good point. For this purpose, I think we must expand ourselves! We must find at least TWO new members!" Ilpalazzo says triumphantly. Excel manages to climb out of the pit. "Only two?" she asks. "Yes, only two." Ilpalazzo replies. "Why?" Hyatt asks. "Because that's all we can afford outfits for." Ilpalazzo says. "Now, go find me some recruits!" he commands, dramatically pointing his hand forwards.
Two young men are walking down a street. One, with spiky red hair (in a Cloud Strife-esque do), the other with bright blue hair (In a Squall Leonhart-esque do). "God dammit, we'll never get a job in this economy! Everything that makes money now is related to Pokemon, and we haven't a damn clue about ANYTHING when it comes to Pokemon." the red haired one says. "No, Utsusemi-sempai, that's not the right attitude. What we need to do is school ourselves on Pokemon. Once we do that, we should be fine." the blue haired one says. "Hiroshi, wake up! We're dirt poor! We're on our last fifty bucks, and then we're totally screwed." Utsusemi replies. "Ilpalazzo-sama, I have found two potential members." Excel says into her cell phone. "How are they 'potential'?" Ilpalazzo asks in response. "They are poor, down on their luck, and jobless!" Excel replies. "Not unlike yourself, Excel-kun. Indeed, they MUST be of some use to us. Bring them in at once!" Ilpalazzo replies. Excel and Hyatt move in. They jump out of the bushes at Utsusemi and Hiroshi. "Eyyaaah!! What the hell?!" Hiroshi screams, jumping into Utsusemi's arms. Utsusemi drops him hard on the ground. "We couldn't help but hear your problems, boys.." Excel says with a smile. "Yeah.. so?" Utsusemi replies. "We thought maybe we could help, right Ha-chan?" Excel says. "But Excel-sempai, we don't have any--" Hyatt starts, before passing out. "Holy shit, is she okay?!" Hiroshi asks. "She's fine. Now, we can pay you, but we need your help." Excel says, ignoring Hyatt. Utsusemi and Hiroshi stare at Hyatt with wide eyes. "Uhh, there's blood coming from her mouth..." Utsusemi says. "That happens. Now, come on! Let's go!" Excel says, picking up Hyatt. "Well, we ARE desperate for cash, right?" Hiroshi asks. "Fine." Utsusemi says. Excel leads them to a field, and the turns to them. "Due to the nature of the business you are about to enter, I must request that until you are trustable, you wear these." she says, putting down Hyatt and reaching into her pocket. She pulls out a pair of blindfolds. "Ooh! You're kinky, aren't you?" Utsusemi jokingly says, grabbing a blindfold. Hiroshi grabs one nervously. They wrap the blindfolds around their heads and stand there. "Well, come on!" Excel says, picking Hyatt back up. "Come where!? We can't freakin see." Utsusemi says. A sweatdrop rolls down Excel's head. "FINE! Take off the blindfolds, but forget the route here when we're done!" she says angrilly. Utsusemi and Hiroshi remove the blindfolds. Excel leads them into the main chamber of the base. There, Ilpalazzo sits in his chair, reading a magazine. "HAIL, ILPALAZZO!" Excel shouts, saluting. Hyatt drops to the ground as Excel salutes. "h-hail....Il...pala..zzo.." she weakly mumbles. Ilpalazzo tosses the magazine panickedly and launches into one of his speeches. "The world is corrupt! The guiding light in this world must be..." he starts. "Umm, Ilpalazzo-sama, I have the two recruits you wanted to see." Excel says. Ilpalazzo looks over. "Oh. Well then, tell us your names!" he says dramatically, pointing at Utsusemi and Hiroshi, who look at each other with confusion. "Errr... I'm Utsusemi!" Utsusemi mutters. "Hiroshi." "Well then, are you two willing to help change the world?" Ilpalazzo asks. "If there's a steady paycheck involved, I'll do pretty much anything." Utsusemi says. Ilpalazzo looks confused for a moment. Excel begins to take a few steps backward. "EXCEL-KUN!! Did you promise these men MONEY?!" Ilpalazzo bellows. Excel begins to nervously sweat. "Ummm... perhaps..." she mumbles. The rope marked "Pull to Purge Enemies" lowers. Utsusemi and Hiroshi look confusedly at the scene unfolding. "Excel-kun, you know that we have limited resources until headquarters can give us further funding..." Ilpalazzo says, reaching for the rope. "I-I-I was only doing what I had to to get them to join us..." she says apologetically. "So wait, let me get this straight... there's no money?" Utsusemi mutters. "Correct." Ilpalazzo replies. "That's it, I'm gone." Utsusemi says, looking for the exit. He walks right alongside Excel. "I can't have that!" Ilpalazzo says, and pulls the rope. Both Excel and Utsusemi fall into the pit. "Gyaahh!!! What the fuck?! GOD DAMN, THOSE ARE FUCKING SHARKS!! AAAAGHH!!!!" Utsusemi screams from inside the pit. Both Excel and Utsusemi can be heard screaming. Hiroshi looks scared. "My god, you've killed them!" he screams. "Not nescessarily." Ilpalazzo replies. Excel and Utsusemi climb out of the pit, their clothes shredded. "What the hell is going on here?!" Utsusemi shouts angrilly. "You cannot leave! You know too much!" Ilpalazzo says. Utsusemi storms up to Ilpalazzo and grabs him by his shoulder pads. "Listen up, you freakin' fag, and listen good! Unless I'm getting paid, no force in heaven or on earth can keep me here! Now either gimme some money or let me go. You don't want to experience option three." Utsusemi growls. Ilpalazzo simply smirks. "Very well. You will get your money. But there are a few important things that must take place first." Ilpalazzo says. Utsusemi releases him. "Like what?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. "Well, for starters..." Ilpalazzo starts. "You've got to be fitted for a uniform!" he shouts, and all of a sudden everyone is in a fitting room, and Utsusemi is in his underpants. "H-hey! What just happened?!" Utsusemi shouts, looking around, confused. "The scene suddenly changed." Excel explains. "That makes less sense then where the hell I ended up!! And where are my clothes?!" Utsusemi howls. The Great Will of Macrocosm runs by with his clothing. "What the hell was that?! And where is it taking my pants?!" he screams, freaked out seeing a swirling vortex with arms run off with his clothes. "That was the Great Will of Macrocosm. As for why it took your clothing, I have no idea." Ilpalazzo says.
*Meanwhile, somewhere in Brazil*
Mr. Pe (Pedro) stares into the window of his old home. There his wife and son are eating with Gomez. "Someone!! Please!! Look at me!! Sandora!!" he pleads through the window, but no one seems to notice he even exists. Gomez dismisses Sandora (the son) from the table. He looks into (Pedro's Wife)'s eyes. "My darling, soon our son will be here." he says. "Until then, let us make love here on the table!" (Pedro's Wife) replies. They then sweep everything off the table and start going at it right there. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
*Back in F City, F Prefecture*
Utsusemi stands there, now wearing a dark blue uniform with large metal shoulder pads, a pair of leather gloves, and some steel toed leather boots. Excel looks at him for a moment. "Hey, Ilpalazzo-sama, why does his outift look better than mine?" she asks. "Because, we actually had a bit of a budget for his uniform. As I recall, yours is from your closet." Ilpalazzo replies. Hiroshi emerges from the uniform room wearing a dark red uniform similar to Utsusemi's, only it has one shoulder pad. His gloves are a different style and he's wearing regular leather boots. "Welcome to ACROSS!!! I hope that you will work as hard as the rest of us towards our goal!" Ilpalazzo says, dramatically posing. "And that goal is...?" Utsusemi asks. "THE CONQUEST OF THIS CITY!!!!" Ilpalazzo, Excel and Hyatt shout. Hyatt stops halfway through and passes out. "Do the two of you have your own lodgings?" Ilpalazzo asks. "We're on the verge of eviction, to be honest." Hiroshi says. "I see. Transfer your things to this address. It is ACROSS' personell lodging." Ilpalazzo says, handing Utsusemi and Hiroshi a piece of paper. Excel looks. "Uhhhh... Ilpalazzo-sama, thats MY address. I'm alreayd living with Ha-chan, I don't think there's room.." she says. Ilpalazzo begins reaching for the rope.
"O-on the other hand... It might be nice and cozy!" she panickedly squeaks out. Ilpalazzo stops reaching. "Let's hope so." Ilpalazzo says. "Before you step to that, I have a mission for you... to test your loyalty..." Ilpalazzo starts.
The Grandiose Plan of Lord Ilpalazzo: Today's Experiment -----------Failed.
---------------
End Chapter One
---------------
Writer's End notes:
Yep! That's chapter one! Didja enjoy it? I know, it had more to do with Excel Saga than Pokemon, but trust me, there'll be a lot more to do with Pokemon soon. Well, if ya go any questions/comments, email me. No flames please! I only want some CONSTRUCTIVE criticsm.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------