AGNPH Forums

Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)

    Date:Jul 5, 2013 6:36 PM Title:Re: Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)

    writing a chapter means rather than the typical neophyte's "sit down, write 1500 words, submit as a chapter" 

    What's wrong with chapters only having 1500 words? I try to make them longer.....

    Go read my stories!!
     My stories

    Retroactively Continuitous
    Date:Jul 11, 2013 11:48 PM Title:Re: Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)
    Concerning the remainder to date.

    Typos: You have them.  They're not everywhere, but they're there and they make me chuckle.

    Luke: Since I figured out everything about his parentage instantly when I read the Prologue chapter (cheeky statement I know, but I could put a fiver on it if I wanted to, so I'm going with it and redacting by statements to avoid potential spoilers) I'm quite disappointed that you let yourself fall into the trap of going over the top with Super Powers and then being forced to make excuses to cover a retreat.  Giganto fireball, no problem.  Raked by a rockasaurus?  Critical hit!  Come on, apply some super glue and some stitches and send him on his way; we have other patients.  You would have been better off letting ▒▒▒▒ do its thing to reduce his damages so that it would make his inherited ▒▒▒▒▒-▒▒▒▒ nature show without being explicit or obvious (unless you intend for him to "▒▒▒▒▒▒" into it later, as though he were currently like a ▒▒▒▒▒) than trying to hand-wave it by saying it only kicks in when it really has to.

    Mina: She sure seems to be tsundere with her powers.
    • She can bend reality enough to pass for human through a few years of school being surrounded by people all the time and getting bumped around in the hallways, but she's worried that her illusion might break when a waitress pats her on her shoulder.
    • She chases after and commits battery on five kids in a park, instead of using Imprison (which in your story can somehow paralyze a target because...whatever) to halt the kid with the note and take it away with a sly smile.
    • Running twice as fast as a human through town did not tire her in the least, and she can run full-steam ahead carrying Luke and his gear, but running from Caleb in their first encounter through a hundred feet of forest wore her out.
    • She speaks flawlessly while impersonating a human, but her first-person narration can't remember the word "blood" even though her first-person narration knows it contains significant amounts of iron.
    • She proposes trying to use her powers to show Caleb the other side's viewpoint, but she didn't try to meddle with Team Archangel in any of the usual trope ways like projecting some sort of distraction or impersonating a commanding officer when that might have been useful.  (Oh that's right, she couldn't because...)
    • She can disguise herself as a human, but she can't disguise as a clothed human.  I guess when she shifted at Graduation, she left her school uniform scattered across the aisle.  Funny, the canon Zoroark had no problem shifting between audino and Joy, full outfit, many times before becoming somewhat exhausted in that episode of BW Season 2; seems like an artifical handicap being imposed for little reason except to make your own life harder.

    Caleb: Surprise level zero at "the revelation," just to get that out of the way.  You spend a lot of time with Luke beating The Message like a drum, which is heavy-handed but the pacing seems fine until you flick him like a switch from Nay to Yea so you can move on.  Fortunately you did it so quickly it feels more like he was playing along so he wouldn't have to travel alone and you are in a position to make his transition feel like character development rather than just changing his morals whenever/however it's convenient.  Don't forget that since you are writing for Caleb, his responsibilities are your responsibilities.

    ▒▒▒▒▒: You're really opening a can of worms with the way you brought h▒▒ into play.  I'm going to assume it's either some sort of ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ thing, or a ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ angle (which would be easier to write but harder to justify), but whatever you're doing with it, we know they're going to meet through the meddling of ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ and it's going to be intended to be a strong plot point, and it's not.  It just won't stick.  Why?  Because we've all read at least one story already that has a ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒/▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ protagonist, it's always half-▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ for some reason (okay, not always but often), and they always get stuck trying to balance making it matter and not breaking everything.  Erring on the side of caution (which is the correct choice) makes it not matter, at least as much as it seems like it should.  I'm not saying this to discourage, but rather to simply warn that, while surely some people will comment that they were blown away(!) by the reveal when it comes, you're going to face down the "why didn't ▒▒▒▒ power activate against Tyranitar?" type question rippling out in both timeline directions, since you already established the power level as over 9000.  You'll be handwaving "IT JUST DIDN'T" like a Mr. Mime on cocaine.

    Author Insert: I'm not going to bag on you for this, even though I did observe some "Mary Sue" accusations in the comments.  Just because there is an author insert character doesn't mean that it's automatically bad, as long as you play the character that belongs in the story.  I wrote an author insert character in Can't Escape and another one in Love Lost, but it's not obvious because I created them to let me slip a little "meta" commentary on my own writing into the pieces.  As long as you're just a supporting cast member, it's not a bad thing, per se.

    German Colress: Because the dub Dr. Zager wasn't cliché enough?

    A small issue that caught my eye is money.  The currency in Pokémon is analogous to yen.  (IIRC, they used the ¥ symbol in the original game, and changed it be bogus in the U.S. translation.)  So, applying an approximate exchange rate for convenience and perspective, they won $5,000 at the contest, split it to $2,500.  We don't know the split after that, but on Mina's side, $200 went to the milk market and let's guess $50 for lunch.  The $200 was "a bit" so let's assume $1,000 was left by Luke.  Armed with $1,500 he went to the shop, bought a $4 ball, a $60 paint job, added $540 for express delivery totalling $604.  With $896 remaining, he left a $10 gratuity.  That's 1.65% for making Mina's birthday epic.  No wonder Mina said he thought she was too generous with tips!


    It's funny that I had no problem reading through the "birthday adventure" and "let's mess with Caleb" stuff, but started getting into skim mode afterward.  Mostly because shit stopped making sense.  Remember when I said...
    Unless I am driven off, you will have it.
    Well, here's where I came within an inch of pushing the eject button.

    “My name is Doug . . . I’m afraid your Zoroark will have to be put in its ball until the end.”

    “Oh, uh yea. I better go warn my girlfriend to put her pokémon away before she comes in. We’ll be back in a few seconds.”

    “Then they aren’t trainers. Lock them up with the others.”

    Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

    Absent-minded professor trope Dr. Brennen is one thing (a bad thing since Zoroark, the Illusion Fox Pokémon, native to Unova, might be considered, you know, known-about to a Pokémon researcher) but this was just insulting.  It is a shining example of an author not paying attention to his own story.  Now, I'm not saying mistakes aren't going to happen; I once wrote a chapter to Love Lost that had a trainer's device in two towns at one time.  But I caught it and fixed it before I posted the chapter because I read my story and realized, "wait, how the hell can Grace be placing a call on it when Burner took it with him to the mall?"

    All those Mina gaffs I mentioned before (and after) this moment I kinda let slide while I was reading because suspension of disbelief comes into play—the reader wants to enjoy the story and gives a lot of tolerance to logical flaws for the story's sake.  But, that only works when it's a fantastic effect (like projecting illusions) that we accept as fantasy when we sit down to read.  This is a guy whose job is to corral trainers and take their pokemon, and he didn't remember the guy with a rare and powerful Zoroark who not only walked into the trap but brought his girlfriend (and her team) with him a couple minutes later?

    • NO SALE •

    Other reviewers claimed that they felt as if you were becoming "rushed," and one of your responses addresses that with comments about time-line events happening earlier.  I think that is a bit of confusion between rushing your quality control efforts versus rushing through the plot development.  I'm wondering if you spent insufficient time visualizing the Weather Station event to truly know it before putting it to text compared to the earlier portions, which do not suffer any...Doug Moments.  To the reader, Doug became suddenly stupid because the author needed him to be stupid to ensure the rest of the scene went as planned; because having him interrogate Luke and Mina on the spot would have surely complicated matters in a way more interesting for us to read, but less convenient for you to write.

    Oh, and one final thing...

    I really felt bad when I had to give up my pokémon. Even though I knew it would only be for a few minutes.

    There it was. All I needed to know. Everything he did over the last week seemed to make a little more sense.

    The Audience readies for confrontation!
    I could tell he had some deep emotional issues to overcome.

    Everybody in the gallery boos, throws their programs and tomatos at the screen, and filter out disappointed that she didn't notice that admission.

    Okay, maybe I'm overthinking it, or that's supposed to also be a "surprise" later on, but again, moments of suddenly stupid do not make good plot devices.  It's much better to go the other way with those sorts of things.  (Something I'm doing now in Love Lost, as Grace is becoming more concerned with the entity that has been appearing to her in her subconscious...)

    Junior Time Keeper
    crystal serebii
    Date:Jul 12, 2013 3:21 PM Title:Re: Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)
    That was a lot :D very informative. I love hearing this kind of criticism!

    I'm gonna have to ask that you PM me this part, I can get a lot of it, but I cant really read it all lol.
    As for Luke's abilities... geez, oh boy... I didn't want him to use his powers, he doesn't even know how to use them, and I felt that it would be more dramatic to have him get hurt. It may not be what you would prefer, but I am not changing that event at all.

    Mina's powers:
    Truthfully, I didn't really think that out a lot, but in my mind; bumping into a lot of people at school is something to be expected but someone touching you in a restaurant is a little different. It was the surprise that would have made her lose focus not the contact.

    There are a lot of things that I could say for this one, but really, I just thought that beating up a bunch of kids would be more entertaining than just paralyzing them. I don't like children, (especially cocky tweens) so that part was fan service... for me... lol.

    Have you ran through a forest before? Its really hard, you have dead leaves all over the place, fallen trees to jump over, not fallen trees to avoid. All in all, running on flat paved ground is a lot less tiring. I'll admit, carrying Luke and the bag might be a bit much however, I'll change that part a bit.

    Mina has no problem saying "blood" its just "Luke's blood" And since the author is by all rights in first person, its Mina's problem not mine lol :/

    Well, she did blind the entire room, if that counts :/ Truthfully, I was trying to AVOID trope methods there.

    Here is where it gets complicated. Mina's abilities allows her to PHYSICALLY change into a human. Likewise, you'll find out in the next chapter if you decide to read it that is, that she cant change herself into anything but her human and pokemon form. Otherwise, they are only illusions and will fade at first contact with any real object or being. Remember that in the prologue, she said her powers are weird. (Some things are real, and some things are not.) IE: She can make hot fire and its real but it cannot destroy anything. :/ Meaning that she cannot use her (Real) Illusions as attacks. Which is why the black flames at the contest didn't hurt the opposing pokemon.
    I guess when she shifted at Graduation, she left her school uniform scattered across the aisle

    Yes. That is the idea. She has to have real clothes because if she used her powers to make some, they wouldn't be real; they'd fade away once someone bumped into her in the hallway. But to be fair, I guess I should clarify that her clothes were in fact, scattered along the floor...

    It wasn't meant to be surprising, but to her it was :/ by now, you have to expect these kinds of things in XXX rated fan fictions. I did hint that it was coming at the river, but by that point you were probably in "skim mode" and missed it ;)

    Yes, he was playing along! I tried to make it like that, but also be this thing over here. Good catch! :)

    First of all, I would really like for you to PM me this part of the review so I can read it. Sadly, I'm not that good at Jeprody or hangman. Secondly, this topic will not be written about until quite a while into the story. how long? I cant tell at the moment, so when ever it's most convenient to the plot. I do however, have a laundry list of ways to cover it, and hopefully it wont suck.

    Author insert:
    Yes, I put myself in the story, and yes I will be in the story later. Rest assured, I will not be a playable character; I have enough writing to do in my own saga, "The time rift chronicles." These two stories will intersect at one point but the narrative will come from the Mina cast. As a final note; my appearance in the story at this point was to satisfy one of the many time law quandaries that I will get into in the aforementioned story. Basically, Things have to happen in order to happen... :/

    Yes, I know the exchange rate, and even though I cannot openly discuss it in the story, I would very much hope that the readers get it. Yes the milk was a bit. Supposed to be funny, I laughed anyway... 7_7. If your complaint is that they used more than they made in the contest; 1. I could have sworn the math was less than. and 2. Realize by now they have been doing contests and winning prize money for 5 years, so they are pretty well off.

    Weather institute Doug flaws:
    I know that "Doug" comes off a bit as a moron and a weak character and really I don't have anything to say about it other than I didn't think about it. Really though, their mission wasn't to steal trainer's pokemon; they were just a little bonus on the side. They only really wanted Castform. I guess I'll add a few paragraphs were they are interrogated. Thanks for the advice!

    Whelp. I guess that just about covers it. I'm gonna read over the chapters I have already written and see where I can improve. Thanks for your review and reading my story

    "My songs know what you did in the dark!"
    Junior Time Keeper
    crystal serebii
    Date:Jan 14, 2014 10:11 AM Title:Re: Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)
    Chapter 9 is done and uploaded!

    Now I have this comment to talk about the layout of the thread.

    From now on, I will not be making individual posts like this. Instead, I will just be editing the OP to conserve data space in AGNPH's hard disk or what ever.
    I have removed the "STORY ART" section and replaced it with "CURRENT EVENTS"
    a change that will no doubt save me some flamin?
    Realistically, I didn't expect anyone to draw me stuff but it would have been nice lol. And I dont have time to put pen to paper, so I'll just get rid of that eyesore.
    Thanks for reading. Now I will go about cleaning out my junky spam posts.

    "My songs know what you did in the dark!"
    Date:Jun 30, 2014 3:06 AM Title:Re: Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)
    I love the fic, personally I find it really hard to find good fanfictions for pokemon, since either everyone is some horny weirdo slapping the keyboard and using a bit of spellcheck, or they try to hard, or they don't actually try
    anyway, I am looking forward to the next chapter, I hope things are going well crystal serebii (also I am really glad you made a place to talk about the story itself since the site doesn't seem to make talking about a story very easy)
    I would have posted sooner but I had no idea there were forums for the site (yes apparently I am blind)

    Date:Mar 17, 2016 12:41 PM Title:RE: Mina: The Forum (Probably NSFW)

    Its been some time are you going to continue this story? Or are you an another site?