Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer- All publicly recognisable characters ad locations are the property of their respective owners and I do not in any way, shape or form own them. If sex between Pokémon isn't your thing then you should take this opportunity to leave.
As told by Blaze (Yes I know, cheesy name but hey, if you are reading this, you probably don't care)
This first chapter will be clean but I have put the rating there for later chapters. Please review with ideas for my story as I am completely new to this.
Chapter 1
Coming to the Sinnoh was the best thing I have ever done. My trainer and I had come over to the Sinnoh Region to work on our battling techniques and to pick up a few new allies. My trainer is a young man called Scott and I have been with him since I was just a little Torchic. We had stayed there for three months when I had something happen to me that changed my life. I remember It like it was yesterday.
Scott and I were training in the moonlight down on the beach one night and I was working on my various techniques. Scott was training with me, practising his various martial arts. We had been working for over three hours and we decided to call it quits for the night. As we were walking back up the beach towards our hotel, I caught sight of two figures standing at the waters edge looking out to sea. I pointed them out to Scott.
"I wonder what they are doing out so late?" Scott wondered, "They don't appear to be training like we were." I shrugged. Being a pokémon, I am not capable of speech to humans but we get by with a mixture of hand gestures and word cards. We walked over towards them, wondering what was going on. As we got closer, the figure on the left, hearing our footsteps, turned to see who we were. I gasped audibly. She was a female Lopunny and had to be the most beautiful pokémon that I had ever seen. She had silky brown fur, that gleamed in the moonlight, along with puffs of cream fur at the tips of her ears and on her wrists, as well as a cream puffy tail. She looked at us nervously and tapped on her companion's shoulder. The other figure turned around and this time it was Scott that gasped. Standing there next to the Lopunny was a tall and thin lady who was, shall we say, amply proportioned. However, while the Lopunny wore a face of curiosity and surprise, the woman's face was one of hostility and she sneered at Scott.
"Oh looky here. We have a weak little trainer with a big bad pokémon. What a shame."
"Take that back!" Scott shouted, "Blaze is very strong and better than whatever you can provide!"
"Oh really, is that so? I think you are just goig to have to prove that to me in a one on one battle, hmm?"
If I had to summarise the ensuing battle in one word it would have to be, rout. I completely destroyed the trainer's Pidgeot, despite a type disadvantage. Following this, the trainer ran off down the beach, leaving Scott, me and the Lopunny standing there in confusion.
"Alright, you two stay here and I will go and fetch miss snooty pants," Scott said, before running off down the beach after her. I watched him vanish into the distance, before hearing a strange sniffing sound coming from behind me. I turned around to find the Lopunny with her head in her hands and her whole body shaking.
"Oh no, not you too?" I asked. The Lopunny looked up at me, but the face I saw was not one of sadness but of laughter!
"What? What is it? Have I got something on my beak?" I asked, embarrassed. For the first time, I heard her voice and it was certainly something to remember. I was enchanted the moment she began speaking.
" No, no," she said with barely suppressed laughter, "Nothing like that, I was just laughing at what your friend said. I think that miss snooty pants is a very apt nickname for Helena," she continued before collapsing into a fit of laughter. I stood there looking at her before I began to smile and then laugh as well. Eventually both of us were rolling around on the sand, helplessly clutching our sides, trying to control he fits of laughter that were asking our bodies. Eventually we calmed down and after a few deep breaths turned to look out at the sea.
"I watched you battle before, you were very good," she said.
"Thanks," I replied, " It's a ll down to the fact that Scott and I train together all the time and we have such a close bond that most of the time I can guess what he's going to say even before he does."
"Wow, that must be really cool."
"I've never really thought about it but it really is useful, especially in tough battles."
"It sure would be nice to have that close a connection with my trainer"
"Don't you two get along?"
"Not really well. She's just so overbearing and demanding."
"That must be hard. I can't imagine what it would be like not to get along with Scott."
"I manage and while we don't get along great, going on a journey is great way to see new places and meet new people."
"It sure is. I couldn't count all the people we've met over the years. Scott does his best to keep in contact with all of them. Oh, look hear come the others back now." She turned towards where I was pointing where two vague figures were making their way towards us across the sand.
"Wait a minute," I said, " They don't look like our trainers." The two figures began to sprint at us across the sand.
"Get behind me," I said to the Lopunny,"I don't like the way this is going." The figures were two well-bult human males and from the glinting o the moonlight in their hands,they were armed with knifes. Being a Blaziken, I was very rare in the Sinnoh Region and as such there had been numerous confrontations with disreputable characters in the past. Preparing a Flamethrower, I saw the Lopunny move beside me out of the corner of my eye. I didn't have time to think about it though as I fired, putting all my concentration into making the attack as hot as possible. I saw an icy flash out of the corner of my eye as Lopunny used Ice Beam. The two crooks went flying off into the distance and I watched as they disappeared from sight.
"Wow, your Ice Beam is amazing," I said to her.
"Thanks," she replied,"You're not to shabby yourself." After a while, our trainers came back, with Helena significantly calmer. Scott and her had worked out that we were both staying at the same hotel so as we walked back, Scott got to know a much more subdued Helena and the Lopunny and I continued talking about life. We exchanged greetings properly this time and I discovered that she had the most perfect name known to existence, Chloe. As we approached the hotel and entered in the main entrance, Helena asked Scott what room we were staying in. By complete chance, they were staying just up the hall from us. As we said our goodbyes and prepared to head back to our rooms, Chloe came up to say goodbye to me.
"Well, it's been fun," she said,"Let's meet up again tomorrow ad we can do some training or something."
"That sounds great, see you in the morning!"
"Oh, I've got one last thing to say to you.." She leant towards me and gave me a peck on the cheek. "See you tomorrow sweetie." She and Helena headed off to their room and Scott and I watch them go. Chloe turned to give mea wink before closing the door. I just stood still for a moment, utterly speechless, trying to sort though all the different emotions in my head. Scott gave a low whistle.
"Wow, buddy, you sure did manage to achieve something tonight, didn't you? Well, bedtime." As we headed into our room and got ready for bed, Scott asked me what she had said to me. Through a combination of letter cards and miming I explained to him our conversation. He laughed when he heard the last thing she had said to me.
"I guess that means I'll need to call you sweetie from now on then." In reply to this, I gave him a look that said I would barbecue him if he tried.
"Okay then, maybe not, g'night... sweetie." I just iced him, hard.
Scott and I were training in the moonlight down on the beach one night and I was working on my various techniques. Scott was training with me, practising his various martial arts. We had been working for over three hours and we decided to call it quits for the night. As we were walking back up the beach towards our hotel, I caught sight of two figures standing at the waters edge looking out to sea. I pointed them out to Scott.
"I wonder what they are doing out so late?" Scott wondered, "They don't appear to be training like we were." I shrugged. Being a pokémon, I am not capable of speech to humans but we get by with a mixture of hand gestures and word cards. We walked over towards them, wondering what was going on. As we got closer, the figure on the left, hearing our footsteps, turned to see who we were. I gasped audibly. She was a female Lopunny and had to be the most beautiful pokémon that I had ever seen. She had silky brown fur, that gleamed in the moonlight, along with puffs of cream fur at the tips of her ears and on her wrists, as well as a cream puffy tail. She looked at us nervously and tapped on her companion's shoulder. The other figure turned around and this time it was Scott that gasped. Standing there next to the Lopunny was a tall and thin lady who was, shall we say, amply proportioned. However, while the Lopunny wore a face of curiosity and surprise, the woman's face was one of hostility and she sneered at Scott.
"Oh looky here. We have a weak little trainer with a big bad pokémon. What a shame."
"Take that back!" Scott shouted, "Blaze is very strong and better than whatever you can provide!"
"Oh really, is that so? I think you are just goig to have to prove that to me in a one on one battle, hmm?"
If I had to summarise the ensuing battle in one word it would have to be, rout. I completely destroyed the trainer's Pidgeot, despite a type disadvantage. Following this, the trainer ran off down the beach, leaving Scott, me and the Lopunny standing there in confusion.
"Alright, you two stay here and I will go and fetch miss snooty pants," Scott said, before running off down the beach after her. I watched him vanish into the distance, before hearing a strange sniffing sound coming from behind me. I turned around to find the Lopunny with her head in her hands and her whole body shaking.
"Oh no, not you too?" I asked. The Lopunny looked up at me, but the face I saw was not one of sadness but of laughter!
"What? What is it? Have I got something on my beak?" I asked, embarrassed. For the first time, I heard her voice and it was certainly something to remember. I was enchanted the moment she began speaking.
" No, no," she said with barely suppressed laughter, "Nothing like that, I was just laughing at what your friend said. I think that miss snooty pants is a very apt nickname for Helena," she continued before collapsing into a fit of laughter. I stood there looking at her before I began to smile and then laugh as well. Eventually both of us were rolling around on the sand, helplessly clutching our sides, trying to control he fits of laughter that were asking our bodies. Eventually we calmed down and after a few deep breaths turned to look out at the sea.
"I watched you battle before, you were very good," she said.
"Thanks," I replied, " It's a ll down to the fact that Scott and I train together all the time and we have such a close bond that most of the time I can guess what he's going to say even before he does."
"Wow, that must be really cool."
"I've never really thought about it but it really is useful, especially in tough battles."
"It sure would be nice to have that close a connection with my trainer"
"Don't you two get along?"
"Not really well. She's just so overbearing and demanding."
"That must be hard. I can't imagine what it would be like not to get along with Scott."
"I manage and while we don't get along great, going on a journey is great way to see new places and meet new people."
"It sure is. I couldn't count all the people we've met over the years. Scott does his best to keep in contact with all of them. Oh, look hear come the others back now." She turned towards where I was pointing where two vague figures were making their way towards us across the sand.
"Wait a minute," I said, " They don't look like our trainers." The two figures began to sprint at us across the sand.
"Get behind me," I said to the Lopunny,"I don't like the way this is going." The figures were two well-bult human males and from the glinting o the moonlight in their hands,they were armed with knifes. Being a Blaziken, I was very rare in the Sinnoh Region and as such there had been numerous confrontations with disreputable characters in the past. Preparing a Flamethrower, I saw the Lopunny move beside me out of the corner of my eye. I didn't have time to think about it though as I fired, putting all my concentration into making the attack as hot as possible. I saw an icy flash out of the corner of my eye as Lopunny used Ice Beam. The two crooks went flying off into the distance and I watched as they disappeared from sight.
"Wow, your Ice Beam is amazing," I said to her.
"Thanks," she replied,"You're not to shabby yourself." After a while, our trainers came back, with Helena significantly calmer. Scott and her had worked out that we were both staying at the same hotel so as we walked back, Scott got to know a much more subdued Helena and the Lopunny and I continued talking about life. We exchanged greetings properly this time and I discovered that she had the most perfect name known to existence, Chloe. As we approached the hotel and entered in the main entrance, Helena asked Scott what room we were staying in. By complete chance, they were staying just up the hall from us. As we said our goodbyes and prepared to head back to our rooms, Chloe came up to say goodbye to me.
"Well, it's been fun," she said,"Let's meet up again tomorrow ad we can do some training or something."
"That sounds great, see you in the morning!"
"Oh, I've got one last thing to say to you.." She leant towards me and gave me a peck on the cheek. "See you tomorrow sweetie." She and Helena headed off to their room and Scott and I watch them go. Chloe turned to give mea wink before closing the door. I just stood still for a moment, utterly speechless, trying to sort though all the different emotions in my head. Scott gave a low whistle.
"Wow, buddy, you sure did manage to achieve something tonight, didn't you? Well, bedtime." As we headed into our room and got ready for bed, Scott asked me what she had said to me. Through a combination of letter cards and miming I explained to him our conversation. He laughed when he heard the last thing she had said to me.
"I guess that means I'll need to call you sweetie from now on then." In reply to this, I gave him a look that said I would barbecue him if he tried.
"Okay then, maybe not, g'night... sweetie." I just iced him, hard.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading. I intend to include some XXX in the next chapter but could use any advice in reviews, as I have no idea what I am doing. Thanks in advance.
Date:Oct 27 2012 Chapter:Chapter 1
* Technical.
Your use of formatting and punctuation method is fine. However, you did not proof-read. You have typographical errors in the forms of non-words (missing letters and spaces inside words) and incorrect words. The role of Editor is the most important. Bad writing of lame stories with good editing has kept many "professional" authors in business, while bad editing will ruin the best of written works. Using the red pen on your own paper isn't exactly a fun way to spend an evening, but if you're not investing twice as much time re-reading, debugging, and editing your work as you spend writing it, you're going to have flaws that draw the reader's attention away from the story itself.
* Regarding the scene's action.
The initial battle makes very little sense. Helena doesn't use her lopunny (which would've been a dramatic beat, to immediately frustrate the love-at-first-sight connection by having them brawl), instead produces a bird out of nowhere, and upon losing, she runs away, leaving her lopunny behind (and maybe the pidgot too? in a bloody smoldering heap on the sand?) and then Scott chases her...for some reason I guess. Maybe he wants to be paid the standard Pokemon League wager for winning? (I would've just taken the lopunny as collateral, since she's apparently not very important to Helena anyway.) While I'm not a fan of long, drawn out pokemon battle descriptions ("Milotic, use Sing!" *The Readers fell asleep.*) there should've been something here to convey the battle other than "I fought a pidgey and won," and since there is no actual reason for Helena to run away, or for Scott to chase her, it reads as an obvious plot mechanic to have Blaze and Chloe making small talk alone. (Which doesn't matter since in your world, humans don't understand them anyway.) As a personal opinion, I think the laughter bit was a little overstated, unless pokemon in your world are very easily amused and prone to fits of unrestrained melodrama. The dialogue after that reads fine (save for typos) but you run into another logic problem when you deposit two members of Team Beachbum on the sands to somehow menace two fully-evolved and respectably powerful pokemon with letter openers. Even a pitiful Rocket grunt brings a pokeball with something in it to a fight. Aside from establishing that Chloe knows ice-beam and that thugs exist, I don't see what this moment provides. The dialogue gets more awkward as Scott and Helena return and are completely oblivious to the two assailants (I guess Blaze and Chloe don't think it's important to let their trainers know that thugs with knives are in the tall grass), but culminates in a visual that knocked my focus completely out of the story. Chloe leans toward Blaze to kiss his beaky cheek. Blaziken's 'dex height is 6'-03", lopunny's is 3'-11", so if they're average for their forms, her face would be at belly-level beside him. I guess if you want to imply yours is a world of pokemorphs, you can cheat your way through this, but without establishing non-canon stature, she won't be smooching him without asking him to kneel or finding a step ladder.
* Overall.
Aside from being careful to avoid typos and actually going back to find and fix them, there's nothing wrong with how you're keying this out, and as far as a first scene to start things off is concerned, this is fine, too. You suffer greatly, however, from all these little punctuated micro-scenes that contain characters behaving in inexplicable ways. Keeping the audience guessing a little is a good thing, but if you are going to have characters doing things that don't make sense to us, they'd better make sense to you the Author and the reasons why need to be eventually revealed so it makes sense in the end. Otherwise you're just making stuff up.
I would like to suggest you write longer for Chapter 2. Make those little scenes tell the story, not merely admit that something happened in the timeline. Always remember the rule: show, don't tell. I'm usually happy with about 4,000 to 6,000 words for a chapter in a short fic, no more than 10,000 in a long. (They get tiresome to read for your audience on-line.) Even if you cut it down to 2,500 before posting it, writing to 4,000 first and then practicing your editing for both cleanliness and content will help you shape things up in a hurry.
Until then...
Date:Aug 19 2013 Chapter:Chapter 1
But: there were a few mishaps that could use some work.
-Timing
-Some details in the fight
-Blaze's instant knowlegde of new(er) Pokemon
-Excessive laughter at the name calling
-Overbearing coincidences
Awaiting the next chapter
{} Achievement Unlocked: 75G
Bunny-love
"Have a love-at-first-sight moment with a Lopunny"