AGNPH Stories


When a Blaziken meets a Lopunny in the far away region of Sinnoh, he is ecstatic to have found his soulmate. But as soon as they meet, they are torn apart as his trainer takes him back to Hoenn.

  1. Chapter 1 (1365 words) [Reviews: 2]

    Disclaimer- All publicly recognisable characters ad locations are the property of their respective owners and I do not in any way, shape or form own them. If sex between Pokémon isn't your thing then you should take this opportunity to leave.

    As told by Blaze (Yes I know, cheesy name but hey, if you are reading this, you probably don't care)

    This first chapter will be clean but I have put the rating there for later chapters. Please review with ideas for my story as I am completely new to this.

No comments posted
    Retroactively Continuitous
    Reviewer: cge0361
    Date:Oct 27 2012 Chapter:Chapter 1
    (I'm not sure if this formatting markup will work, my apologies if it's a mess.)

    * Technical.

    Your use of formatting and punctuation method is fine. However, you did not proof-read. You have typographical errors in the forms of non-words (missing letters and spaces inside words) and incorrect words. The role of Editor is the most important. Bad writing of lame stories with good editing has kept many "professional" authors in business, while bad editing will ruin the best of written works. Using the red pen on your own paper isn't exactly a fun way to spend an evening, but if you're not investing twice as much time re-reading, debugging, and editing your work as you spend writing it, you're going to have flaws that draw the reader's attention away from the story itself.

    * Regarding the scene's action.

    The initial battle makes very little sense. Helena doesn't use her lopunny (which would've been a dramatic beat, to immediately frustrate the love-at-first-sight connection by having them brawl), instead produces a bird out of nowhere, and upon losing, she runs away, leaving her lopunny behind (and maybe the pidgot too? in a bloody smoldering heap on the sand?) and then Scott chases her...for some reason I guess. Maybe he wants to be paid the standard Pokemon League wager for winning? (I would've just taken the lopunny as collateral, since she's apparently not very important to Helena anyway.) While I'm not a fan of long, drawn out pokemon battle descriptions ("Milotic, use Sing!" *The Readers fell asleep.*) there should've been something here to convey the battle other than "I fought a pidgey and won," and since there is no actual reason for Helena to run away, or for Scott to chase her, it reads as an obvious plot mechanic to have Blaze and Chloe making small talk alone. (Which doesn't matter since in your world, humans don't understand them anyway.) As a personal opinion, I think the laughter bit was a little overstated, unless pokemon in your world are very easily amused and prone to fits of unrestrained melodrama. The dialogue after that reads fine (save for typos) but you run into another logic problem when you deposit two members of Team Beachbum on the sands to somehow menace two fully-evolved and respectably powerful pokemon with letter openers. Even a pitiful Rocket grunt brings a pokeball with something in it to a fight. Aside from establishing that Chloe knows ice-beam and that thugs exist, I don't see what this moment provides. The dialogue gets more awkward as Scott and Helena return and are completely oblivious to the two assailants (I guess Blaze and Chloe don't think it's important to let their trainers know that thugs with knives are in the tall grass), but culminates in a visual that knocked my focus completely out of the story. Chloe leans toward Blaze to kiss his beaky cheek. Blaziken's 'dex height is 6'-03", lopunny's is 3'-11", so if they're average for their forms, her face would be at belly-level beside him. I guess if you want to imply yours is a world of pokemorphs, you can cheat your way through this, but without establishing non-canon stature, she won't be smooching him without asking him to kneel or finding a step ladder.

    * Overall.

    Aside from being careful to avoid typos and actually going back to find and fix them, there's nothing wrong with how you're keying this out, and as far as a first scene to start things off is concerned, this is fine, too. You suffer greatly, however, from all these little punctuated micro-scenes that contain characters behaving in inexplicable ways. Keeping the audience guessing a little is a good thing, but if you are going to have characters doing things that don't make sense to us, they'd better make sense to you the Author and the reasons why need to be eventually revealed so it makes sense in the end. Otherwise you're just making stuff up.

    I would like to suggest you write longer for Chapter 2. Make those little scenes tell the story, not merely admit that something happened in the timeline. Always remember the rule: show, don't tell. I'm usually happy with about 4,000 to 6,000 words for a chapter in a short fic, no more than 10,000 in a long. (They get tiresome to read for your audience on-line.) Even if you cut it down to 2,500 before posting it, writing to 4,000 first and then practicing your editing for both cleanliness and content will help you shape things up in a hurry.

    Until then...
    The Wild-Card!
    Reviewer: Captain_Dragonuv
    Date:Aug 19 2013 Chapter:Chapter 1
    Okay, you had a good start, nice--near comical--twist, then it just dropped into the ending. On the other hand i saw no outstanding spelling or grammar errors.

    But: there were a few mishaps that could use some work.
    -Some details in the fight
    -Blaze's instant knowlegde of new(er) Pokemon
    -Excessive laughter at the name calling
    -Overbearing coincidences

    Awaiting the next chapter

    {} Achievement Unlocked: 75G
    "Have a love-at-first-sight moment with a Lopunny"