AGNPH Stories

Challenge of a Rookie by wisp_sqv


Story Notes:

This is my first story, so I would like any help I can get. Now so I don't get in trouble...
Disclaimer: I do not own anything pokemon related. All pokemon belong to gamefreak and Nintendo.

There are also some parts in which I show pokedex entres for pokemon. I am referencing under the black/white pokedex entree.

Author's Chapter Notes:

I'm doing this on an iPod with the notes app, so don't expect things to be ordered correctly.

Chapter 1: First steps

It was a quiet day in Bayloot Town. The skies were blue, and the Starlys and Pidgeys were chirping.

A 14-year-old kid pulls his arm out from under the covers and turns off the alarm clock.
"Ah crap," He said with a groan. "Why did I set the alarm so early?"
He heard a knock on his door. He threw a pillow at it.
"Jethro, it's time to get up," a woman's voice said behind the door. "You do remember what day it is, right?"
Jethro looked at his calendar. He saw today's date circled in red multiple times, and in big letters a message that said 'FIRST DAY OF JOURNEY'.
"Oh crap! I can't believe I forgot!" Jethro said. He opened his door and dashed to the bathroom. He nearly ripped off his pajamas and got into the shower. After washing up, Jethro got himself dressed. He was around 5'8", dark-brown hair, had green eyes, and was wearing casual blue jeans and a white t-shirt.

Jethro went downstairs and was almost out the door until a voice from behind stooped him.
"Jethro, aren't you forgetting something?" said the same woman's voice from before. She was holding a navy-blue summer jacket with two yellow stripes going from the shoulders to the sleeves.
Jethro couldn't believe he forgot his jacket. He wore that thing everywhere. Some of his friends joked around saying it was superglued to him, but he always said to them that it was a really good jacket.
"Thanks mom," He took the jacket from his mother, "I can't believe I almost left without it." After he put the jacket on, Jethro was out the door.

-Outside of Bayloot Town, in Loreal Forest-

"Do you have visual on the subject?" Two men in black and blue jumpsuits are looking around the forest.
"No, subject has escaped" said one of the men. "What are be going to do?" said the other man.
"Return to base, give our report, and get back to work," said Man #1, "The professor told us not hunt for it if we no longer know where it is."
"Understood, let's head back," said Man #2, "I still can't believe something that young could evade us." They both turned around and ran. 
After they left, a bush rustled then another, and another, going in a straight path. The rustling path continued to the outskirts of the forest. A zigzagoon, covered in cuts and bruises, popped out of the last bush. It took a moment to catch its breath before it dashed towards Bayloot Town.

-In Bayloot Town-

Jethro was running to the outskirts of the town, passing by houses. The sun was right in his face and the sidewalk turned into a dirt path, indicating he was on his way to the entrance of Loreal Forest. The entrance was in-between two tall trees leaning towards each other, and the thick forest was right behind them.
'Man, I can't believe today is the day,' Jethro thought, 'It feels like it has been a year since the Pokemon League announced that my home region was going to have its own league!' Once he was in the shade of the forest, he began thinking about all the trainers he met in the past.
'There is no doubt that other trainers will be taking place in the league too,' Jethro remembered how strong they were when they caught the wild pokemon in Loreal Forest, 'They have such a head start on me. Should I just wait 'til next year? No! I can do this,' he reassured himself, talking out loud, "I can catch up. It's only a few training rounds and eight gyms. I got this. I got this! I GOT TH-" he was stopped mid-cheer when he was tackled, sending him on his back under the two large trees.
"BBBWWWAA!" Jethro yelled. He pushed himself back up, dusted off his jacket, and looked around to see what tackled him. He looked down to see a zigzagoon, but this one was different from the ones Jethro has seen in this forest. Its fur color was more orange than brown.
"Hey! What's the big idea!" He said with anger in his voice, "You don't just tackle someone like-" he stops talking and notices it was covered in cuts and bruises.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jethro said with concern. He reached his arm towards the zigzagoon, but it jumped back, preparing another tackle.
"Woah! Calm down!" Jethro said. He stepped back and held up his arms in the air, "I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help you." The zigzagoon growled at him. It was just about to charge again, but it suddenly collapsed.
"Oh crap!" Jethro said. He picked up the zigzagoon and cradled it in his arms. "I need to find help, but where?" He began panicking, trying to figure out what to do.
"I need to get you to the other town. They have a pokemon center there," Jethro decided. He made a mad dash into Loreal Forest. 'Please stay with me.' He thought.

Jethro ran blindly through Loreal Forest. He jumped over logs, scared the bird pokemon, and was chased by some beedrill before he made it through the forest. Jethro stopped for a second to see another town. It was filled with houses fairly close to each other. There was a pokemon center near the middle of the town and a pokemart a block to the left of it. A few blocks right of the pokemon center was a medium-sized building with a dome-shaped roof.
'That must be Merdin Town' He thought. He then looked down to the zigzagoon in his arms. "Hang in there little guy. We're almost there," Jethro said.
After getting into town, he ran straight into the pokemon center. A woman was standing behind a desk near the back of the lobby. The lobby itself had some tables to the right and couches to the left. There were small ferns next to the walls.
"Welcome to the Pokemon Center," The woman behind the desk said. "How may I-"
Jethro ran straight into the desk. "Tackle...." He looked like he was about to pass out. He handed over the zigzagoon to the lady.
"Oh dear." The lady said. "Audino! Chansey!" An Audino and Chansey appeared. "Please get this zigzagoon to the ER quick!" They took the zigzagoon from Jethro. He tiredly followed them to the ER.
"Stay here. We will help your zigzagoon." the lady said. Jethro was too tired to respond, so he just nodded, went back into the lobby, and sat down on the couch.

It was about an hour later before Jethro saw the red light near the ER turned off. The lady from before came out of the door. Hr ran up to her.
"Is the zigzagoon going to be alright?" Jethro asked.
"Your zigzagoon should be just fine," the lady assured him. "You are lucky you got him here when you did. I don't believe he would have made it if you didn't."
Jethro gave a sigh of relief. "Well the thing is, that zigzagoon doesn't belong to me," He explained, "I just found him beaten up after he tackled me. I couldn't just leave it like that, nor would I."
"It is nice to see trainers so caring like yourself," she said. "By the way, my name is Nurse Joy."
"Yeah well..." Jethro began to look down and rub the back of his neck, "Here's the thing, I'm not a trainer. At least, not yet. I was heading to the pokemon lab to get my trainer's license before this happened."
"Well, you can sign up for a trainer's license here," Nurse Joy explained, "How about we do that now?" Jethro had a surprised look on his face. "Wait, really? Alright!" He said. Nurse Joy went back to her desk and started the registration.
"Name?" "Jethro Macorve"
"Age?" "14"
"Home region?" "Arthena"
"Gender?" Jethro just gave a 'are-you-kidding-me?' look.
Nurse Joy continued to ask more questions until the resumé was complete. "Alright that should be it! Here you are." She handed Jethro his trainer's license. "You are now an official trainer in the Arthena region." He stared at the license for a while before he got a confused look on his face.
"Don't I also get pokeballs and a pokedex?" Jethro asked.
"You can only register to be a trainer at the pokemon centers. If you want the pokedex and the pokeballs, you should head over to Professor Pine's lab." Nurse Joy said. "But I wouldn't suggest going right now. It is getting dark out." 
Jethro was shocked to see the sun was almost down. He has been running around getting the zigzagoon to the pokemon center he lost track of time. "Okay then," Jethro said with a bit of disappointment in his voice. "Can I stay here tonight? I don't have much money."
"You do not need to pay me. I believe the amount of good you did in helping that zigzagoon is payment enough," Nurse Joy said.
"Really? Thank you." Jethro said. He received his room key, and went to his room. It was rather small with a small bed in the corner of the room, and a small drawer next to it. Jethro walked over to his bed and collapsed onto it. 

Chapter End Notes:

Rate, Review, and tell me what I can do better, because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing

No comments posted
    Friendly resident Cyndaquil
    Reviewer: Cyn
    Date:May 27 2013 Chapter:Chapter 1: First steps

    First off, welcome to the fics section, hope you continue to write and get better.

    As for the story, it's quite short so I won't give a rating yet until more of the story is fleshed out.  For the most part there weren't any spelling errors, but there was a slight slip-up in tensing in the third sentence.

    For formatting, I would advise a double-newline between paragraphs, and multiple lines of dialogue should be in separate paragraphs, so more spacing.

    Also, rule #1 in writing is show, don't tell.  For example, for the transition "-Outside of Bayloot Town, in Loreal Forest-", the scene should be described so the reader can visualize the scenery.  I see a lot of newer writers doing these kind of transitions when changing location or time in the story, but if you pick up a book, you never see a scene transition like that.  A simple paragraph break, perhaps with a horizontal rule would be enough to tell the reader that the scene is changing, and if you describe the scene well.

    More description in general would be a good start and would help lenghten the story.  First that, then you can worry about showing off the Jethro's personality.

    Good luck writing and hope you stick around!


    Author's Response:
    Thank you for your advice, and as for the story being too short, I only sent in the first part of the chapter. I was about to add the rest. I still got a ways to go and it is difficult to express senery in the writing position I'm in right now. Hopefully i can describe it better in the next chapter, when I actually finish it.
    Retroactively Continuitous
    Reviewer: cge0361
    Date:Jun 29 2013 Chapter:Chapter 1: First steps
    You want review, you get review. Hold on tightly, I'm stern.

    Technical aspects:

    He was around 5'8", dark-brown hair, had green eyes, and was wearing casual blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Character-biography introduction is common to first-timer writing. While there is an argument for ensuring the audience knows what this protagonist looks like in detail, instead of dumping it on us, you could have shown us his awakening ritual and worked in the details (like hair color) when relevant. E.g., "...carelessly combing his dark-brown hair, Jethro rifled through his clothes for his most-comfortable pair of jeans..." That would have fleshed out the scene when we meet our Protagonist rather than rushing through it. Tempo is important; while you don't want to waste reader time with irrelevant words, abbreviating a scene like that makes it seem unimportant and forgettable. Reveal details through the action whenever possible. If you can't it's probably not actually important (yet) or deserves a better presentation than being read off of his ID card. For example, saving them for when you write them on his ID card at the end of this chapter.

    "Oh crap! I can't believe I forgot!" ¶ "Jethro, aren't you forgetting something?" ¶ Jethro couldn't believe he forgot his jacket. ¶ "I can't believe I almost left without it." We can't believe it either, unless you are deliberately establishing that Jet's brain shuts down whenever in a rush. Also, Mom should have had the comment about his extensive wear-time with that jacket, not the Narrator, because Mom was there to notice Jet's atypical behavior. Narrator's job is to carry us between conversations and to provide information to the audience that the characters cannot and to provide the non-verbal action, not to interrupt the scenes with pop-up trivia that's really rightfully only part of the Author's (your) knowledge.

    "What are be going to do?" Be going to proof-read (and initially typeset) more carefully. F7 is never enough. (I did notice your admission of technical limitations of your current device; acknowledged but not excused. ^_^)

    L'oréal Forest takes an hour to get into every morning, but makes you look stunning all day. (I know, probably an accidental pun, but the foundation was laid nonetheless. I'll make-up for it later.)

    Shiny pokemon make the fan-fic world go around, don't they? It's like the ratio went from 1 in 8196 to 1 in 8 during the transition to text.

    ...he stops talking and notices it was... breaking out of past-tense and into present-tense. It's a rare case when the Narrator can get away with a tense shift. This is not one of those times.

    Even though it seems like adding a lot of line breaks that turn your text into a noodle stuck to a blank wall, whenever you change speakers, you change paragraphs. (No exceptions.) (Okay, one exception.) (Don't worry about that.) That includes question-answer patterns like the registration process in the final scene of this chapter.


    I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing you say, and that's good because admission is the first step forward! Aside from some punctuation errors, none glaring (except to readers as picky as myself), you are writing with entry-level competence. What will keep me off of advancing any sort of rating is that you haven't presented anything new here:

    • Oh boy my journey begins today! -- Done to death.

    • Oh no I overslept/forgot/thought-it-was-tomorrow! -- Done to death.

    • Found a hurt pokemon, saved its life, Pokémon GET! -- Done to death. (Yeah, yeah, I've played close to it once, but it was a reveal a few chapters in.)

    • Newbie stumbles into possession of Unique Special Shiny Pokemon MacGuffin. -- Done quite often when excluding lemons from the field.

    Because this is Chapter 1 and I've seen plenty of fics become good after first-chapters that made me put on my perfectly neutral :-| face, don't sweat it, I don't think anyone's going to be driven off, but realize that you probably aren't going to hook anyone with this introduction by virtue of its content alone because it's made almost completely from off-the-shelf parts at this point.