AGNPH Stories

Challenge of a Rookie by wisp_sqv


Story Notes:

This is my first story, so I would like any help I can get. Now so I don't get in trouble...
Disclaimer: I do not own anything pokemon related. All pokemon belong to gamefreak and Nintendo.

There are also some parts in which I show pokedex entres for pokemon. I am referencing under the black/white pokedex entree.

Author's Chapter Notes:

I'm using the copy and paste method, and with an ipod I can't scroll up the story text. So that's annoying.

Chapter 2: First Pokemon

Nurse Joy was on her computer behind her desk. She was observing zigzagoon's condition on  the monitor.

'This is unusual' she thought, 'I thought for sure that-'

"Morning Nurse Joy!" Jethro said. Nurse Joy nearly jumped out of her chair as he walked to the desk.

"Good morning Mr. Macorve," Nurse Joy said, "did you sleep well?"

"I slept great!" Jethro said, "It's easy to fall asleep when your body doesn't want to stay awake!"
Nurse Joy had a surprised look on her face. 

"What do you mean by that?" She asked. She couldn't imagine he was that tired after how energetic he was when he got his trainer's license.

"...Nurse Joy, how is zigzagoon?" Jethro asked.

"Zigzagoon is still resting. It seems it was more tired than I first thought," Nurse Joy said, "it should wake up anytime now. In the mean time, you should go see Professor Pine at the pokemon lab. You did say you wanted to get a pokedex and some pokeballs correct?"

"Oh yeah!" Jethro said, "thanks for reminding me." He ran to the door until he stopped mid-way. 

"Um...where is the lab?"

"Just a few blocks left of here. You can't miss it," Nurse Joy said.

"Okay thanks!" Jethro said, and then he left.

Jethro ran passed some houses until he found himself in front of a dome-roofed building. It had two long windows going around it, stopping at two glass doors. Behind it was a longer rectangle building with multiple square windows covering it.

"This must be the lab," Jethro said. He walked up to the doors and pushed them open. It was surprisingly empty. There was only a desk in the back next to another set of doors.

"Uh, is anyone home?!" Jethro yelled.

"Hold on," a voice said, "give me a minute." The front doors opened. Jethro turned around to see a woman carrying a couple stacked boxes. 

"Could you please help me with this?" the woman grunted.

"Um sure," Jethro said. He grabbed most of the boxes from the woman.

"Thank you," she said, "Please follow me."

"Alright," Jethro said. He followed the woman through the doors. He found himself in a room that had bookshelfs lined across the sides of the room. In the back there was a large tv hanging on the wall over some computer monitors. In the middle of the room there was a medium sized steel table with some electrodes (not the pokemon) hanging above it.

"Could you please put those boxes on the table?" the woman asked. Jethro nodded and walked over to the table. He grunted as he lifted the boxes and set them on the table. 

"Thank you very much," the woman said, "though I believe you didn't come here to help me get settled in. What is your name?"

"My name is Jethro, Jethro Macorve, and you're correct. I came here looking for professor Pine," Jethro said.

"Well that's me. Professor Julia Pine." Pine said, "might I ask why you are here?"

"I came here for a pokedex and some pokeballs. I just got my trainer's license yesterday. I want to participate in the Arthena League and I want to get started as soon as I can." Jethro said.

"Well I am still getting settled into my new lab, but I did just receive some pokemon trainer starter kits from the League," Pine said, "let's just see what we have here." She opened one of the boxes Jethro placed on the table. Inside it was a bunch of pokeballs with a few pokedex's on top.

"Well here you go," Pine handed Jethro a pokedex and five pokeballs, "one pokedex and five starter pokeballs. If you want more pokeballs or other supplies like potions you will have to purchase them at the pokemart."

"Alright I will," Jethro said, but he began to count the number of pokeballs, "excuse me, but aren't I supposed to get six pokeballs?"

"Ah yes. You're sixth pokeball will be the one that carries your starter pokemon," Pine explained, "I haven't gotten completely setup here so I only have one pokemon starter with me." She reaches into her lab coat and pulls out a pokeball.

"Come on out, Oshawott!" Pine said. A burst of light came out of the ball and landed on the ground. As soon as the light disappeared, a small white and turquoise otter stood in its place.

"Oshawott!" the pokemon said.

"Wow, an Oshawott!" Jethro said. He got down on one knee, trying to level himself with it. "Hey there little guy."

"Osha," the Oshawott said. It then gave Jethro a water gun to the face, causing him to fall backwards.

"Crap! Do all pokemon attack people when they first meet?" Jethro asked.

"No, it is just that the little guy here is a little girl," Pine said, "she doesn't like being mistaken for a male." The Oshawott gave him a sour look.

"Oh, alright. Sorry for mistaking you for a boy," Jethro said. The Oshawott gave him a look as if saying 'I get that a lot.'

"She is a rather energetic pokemon. The reason she was given to me first is because whenever trainers weren't coming to get their starters, she would battle with the other starter pokemon. Oshawott trained harder than the others and eventually during battling she accidentally sent them to the pokemon center," Pine explained. "Even after that she would sometimes run off and battle some of the wild pokemon."

"So you enjoy battles huh?" Jethro asked. The Oshawott nodded, raising up one hand (fin, paw, whatever) into a fist, giving him a determined look.

"Well I'm going to participate in the Arthena League. There are going to be a lot of battles on the way to the tournament. Would you like to help me with that?" Jethro asked. Oshawott thought about it for a second, until giving a nod to Jethro.

"Alright then. Here is Oshawott's pokeball," Pine said. Oshawott shuddered a bit at the sight of it.

"So you don't like being in your ball?" Jethro asked. Oshawott gave a small nod to him. "It's alright, I wouldn't do something like that unless I had to, like if you were injured, but I don't think a strong pokemon like you would get injured so easily." Oshawott blushed a little bit after hearing that.

"I believe now would be a good time to test out that pokedex, wouldn't you agree?" Pine said.

"Sure," Jethro said. He got out the pokedex and activated it, "let's see here."

"Oshawott, the sea otter pokemon. It fights using the scalchop on its stomach. In response to an attack, it retaliates immediately by slashing." The pokedex said.

"Wow, that's cool." Jethro said. He puts the pokedex away in his jacket. "Alright well thank you Professor Pine."

"It was my pleasure. I hope your Arthena League challenge goes well," Pine said. 

"Alright, now let's go to the pokemon center. There is a pokemon I need to check on," Jethro said. "He should be awake by now."

"Osha," Oshawott said, and they both left the pokemon lab.

Meanwhile in an unknown location, two mysterious men in black and blue were talking to a shadow on a plasma screen.

"Sir, we have lost sight of the specimen," Man #1 said, "but there have been reports of a pokemon matching its description in Merdin Town."

"We would like your permission to go there and see if the reports are true," Man #2 said.

"Very well, since it is your mess you should clean it up," the shadow on the plasma said, "Remember, if you fail us again, you will be exiled, and along with that, killed." The two men gulped at hearing this.

"Y-yes sir!" They both said.

Chapter End Notes:

So there is chapter two. I am an amature story writer. So to the many veteran writers out there, TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!!!! Rate and review.

No comments posted
    Retroactively Continuitous
    Reviewer: cge0361
    Date:Jun 29 2013 Chapter:Chapter 2: First Pokemon
    I'm going to be a total jerk and condense 1291 words of your desperate iUnscrollable iPod iButton iPushing to five words:

    "Jet got the water starter."

    ...because that's all that happened here. That's not bad but that's not enough...

    Another amateur writer issue is not understanding (or disrespecting) what a chapter is. A chapter is part of a story, and it has its own progression. A conflict is introduced, confronted, and partially resolved. It's a little cycle within the overall story's progression. A chapter is not "I write about this much at a time" or "wow, got a whole scene done, better post it!" I recognize that the format (website with a big textbox and a shiny SUBMIT button at the bottom) encourages post-as-you-go, but that's also why a lot of fics come out clunky. This submission should have been the other half of Chapter 1...

    Chapter 1's cycle ought to have been thus. Jethro needs his starter pokemon so he can begin his journey, therefore:

    • Conflict: need a starter, don't have one.

    • Confrontation: zigzagoonus interruptus.

    • Partial resolution: Jethro got the pokemon he was given a day later, but is it truly going to help him on his journey? and what about the zigzagoon?

    See how that goes? A more complicated story might have wider arcs, where only one step is taken per chapter (or even less frequently) but with a single-threaded story like what you have right now, that's not a concern.

    Of course, this is trivial in the sense that the concept of "chapter" is just a mouse-click in digital format, but then again, it's just a page-turn in dead-tree, so what happens is you break your audience's immersion by playing loose with your chapter splits since they're left hanging, stalled in the middle of a cycle. If you want to equate "chapter" with "writing session," that's your choice, but you are dropping a powerful writing tool by stripping "chapter" of its narrative meaning.

    The use of the "this is the only one starter I have to offer" mechanic to artificially strip Jethro of choice seems like either a cop-out to avoid putting him to a decision and avoid the usual Rival introduction that always happens about this time in a Journey story, or it is a magnificent maneuver because later you plan to [I'm omitting what I suspect the plan would be because if it isn't what you're planning or if you're not planning anything at all, I'll use it myself sometime because it's a good one; :D] which would be a good way to enter a dramatic twist into the plot.

    And, of course, we readers meet yet another pokemon who doesn't want to be emballed, followed by the template "I won't put you in unless I have to" conversation. So few writers allow their pokemon to be pokemon; either they're elevated to human status (an issue which I make the foundation of much of my Pokémon writing) or they descend to "other team members" who are neglected out of battle. I find the middle-ground interesting to write for, but perhaps it's more difficult and that's why few do? (I digress; ignore these ramblings of a grouchy old man.)

    " will be exiled, and along with that, killed" Wow. Tough room. He better be careful or they might kill him three or four times, feed his body to wild pokemon, and then kill the pokemon.


    Because very little happened here, my view hasn't changed. You've got a sturdy-enough foundation here, but only because you are using tried-true tropes. The only points of distinction you've made so far are that Jethro (kinda) started with a wild pokemon and got his official Starter second, and that nobody has written a fic with Oshawott/Zigzagoon as the Protagonist's (apparent) gym-one team.

    That alone is kinda neat, but until it develops, we're still just hopping from trope to trope waiting for your story to begin.

    I avoid reading existing chapter reviews before I say anything, at the risk of redundancy, to avoid bias. Cyn mentioned your "transition" method as being something you never see. What you wrote, with or without intent and in improper format is essentially what's called a slug line. In their natural format, such as "INT. PROTAGONIST'S HOME - NIGHT", they are perfectly fine for script writing where nothing that isn't vital to line-reading and shooting is permitted. However, you aren't writing a spec script so take Cyn's advice on that. (As you apparently have.)