Nicely done, and excellent work on the lemon hope to read more from you soon. overall I like the fact that you gave enough detail to give the charterers depth and made their world believable as the pokemon universe.

Great work! I like the perspective shifts as they changed from 1st-Person for Dragonite to 3rd-Person for Flygon. It was a nice delve into he Pokemon world on a level I've rarely seen. I noticed mabye two or three minor grammar mistakes, and one (common) word mix-up. And the sex... *gives a standing ovation*

And the opening segments match the Pokedex entries perfectly, so you got my vote for the June Contest!

A decent first swing at lemon writing, Cyn. ^^

Looks like you did a pretty good job incorporating the contest theme as well, so good job there. I noticed on your profile that you're looking for feedback to improve, so with that in mind, I'll do my best to structure my commentary in that direction.

Your technical skill is quite strong, which is nice to see --few grammar/syntax errors, most of which are simply fixed by having a second pair of eyes to look over your work to catch things you might miss. Reading backwards over your own work is also a good way to help catch these.

I liked your use of descriptive language --not overly obtrusive, but placed within the prose in flavorful amounts.

Your structure and flow of story were generally sound, and while the 'turning point' to a sex scene happened rather quickly, that's to be expected from lemons, and for a first try at it, you still pulled it off pretty well. :)

Moving on to some of the main sticking points I noticed:

- Flexible POV.

It's perfectly acceptable to use multiple POVs in a story, and even to change the perspective of those POVs. However, they must be properly separated. I noted that during the lemon portion, the POV broke into omniscient with no real rhyme or reason. For example:

"At the same time, I slowly raised a hand and gently stroked Flygon on the cheek, carefully wiping away a bit of drool.

Flygon was still petrified, unsure if she should continue now that I was awake. Thankfully, this only lasted for a few more seconds before she saw the horny look in my eyes and returned to her activities."

Generally, you want to stick with your established structure, even for short fiction. If you want it to be omniscient, that's fine, but it should start that way as opposed to switching halfway through. Another thing to consider is 'emotional distance'. This is the amount of hypothetical 'space' between the reader and the narrator. Do you want your reader to be right inside the characters head, or far away? Is there a 'god' narrator? Are they a character too? How close is the reader to them?

Whatever case you choose, the emotional distance needs to be maintained and consistent.


- Self narration

This is a very common error when writing first person POV. It's the 'translation' of third person conventions into the first person, which aren't needed or sound out of place.

For example:

" I realized that my mouth was parched and practically full of sand"

"I didn't hear the low buzz at the entranceway,"

"By the time I finally looked up, drops of water dripping from my chin,"

Anything which is externalized can't be expressed in the first person self, such as seeing ones own face without a reflection, etc. Additionally, be on the lookout for red flag phrases such as, "I looked, I saw, I felt," etc. When we're in first person, we don't need to narrate these passive 'experience' actions. They simply happen to the POV character. Instead of, "I realized my mouth was parched," it can be, "My mouth was parched."


- Echolalia

This is a fancy phrase for repetition. Not so much individual words, but tone and rhythm. I noticed much of the writing to follow a particular pattern and structure with very little variance. An easy way to find it is by sounding out your writing or reading aloud. This is a difficult habit to break, but once you begin to notice it, you can work at strategically altering your rhythm, which leads to much more vibrant and interesting writing. :)



Anyhow, that's about all I have for this piece. It's a solid entry, and you have the skills to take your writing to the next level with a bit more work and practice. I do hope that you find these comments useful! Like any art, writing is a constant process of evolution.

All the best,

-Reno