Chapter 1
Ch 1
I do not own pokemon Nintendo does. If I ever owned pokemon it would be full of eevees. =)
A Bright light on my face caused me to jolt awake. My name is Voi and I am an espeon. But I'm not a regular espeon I'm able to stand on my hind legs and I have hands and feet instead of paws. The reason I'm like this is I was created in a lab to test if pokemon and human DNA could really be mixed. Everyday since being created I've had to endure being poked and prodded by needles causing me intense pain but also causing me to grow stronger mentally. Everything I've learned I've gotten from reading the minds of the scientists who study me and keep me locked up for their experiments. I slowly started to plan my escape stealing all the information I could about the facility I was locked away in from the people that kept me here. After figuring out what I was doing the scientists built a collar to block my psychic powers they made it so that no matter how strong my psychic powers got they wouldn't overload the system. Those foolish humans don't know what I'm capable of they didn't realize this was all part of my plan I showed my powers to them so they would notice and build this machine but what they don't realize is this machine will allow me to escape. After they put this degrading collar around my neck I looked through my mind until I found the blueprints to the collar. And saw there was a small button on the back of it to deactivate it. I reached my tail up until it got to the button then pushed it but I used my psychic powers to keep the collar still closed around my neck so the scientists couldn't tell I deactivated it.
This is not good I need to accelerate my plans there is no way they are killing me I think its time for me to show them my true power. I thought as I finally let the collar hit the floor. I gathered my psychic powers into a ball when it was about the size of a bowling ball I spread it out into a wave effectively creating an emp which shorted out all of the technology in the building. Using the new darkness as cover I swiftly ran through the hallways using the building layout I got from the scientists I ran to the nearest exit using my psychic powers to dodge the scientists I made it to the door as I pushed open the door that's been keeping me from freedom I hear a loud bang and feel a large stinging pain in my shoulder. I turned around and saw a man in a black business suit and wearing a strange metallic hat I looked to his hand to see he is holding a still smoking gun. I tried knocking him out with my psychic powers but they weren't affecting him it must be that hat I thought. Then I heard another loud bang and my psychic powers kicked in and I made a protective shield in front of me which deflected the bullet and bounced it back at the man knocking him to the ground. I didn't check if he was dead or just knocked out all I could think to do was run through the door and get as far away as possible. I ran for as long as I could slowly feeling the life drip out of me I knew I just had to keep going but I felt my body fall to the ground and I passed out.
authors note: this was the first chapter of a story that ive been working on for awhile now. plz review I crave constructive criticism. if anyone was wondering where I got the name Voi from my friend told me voi means mind in greek and like the idiot I am I just went with it. After writing three chapters I looked it up myself and discovered that it does not mean mind but after three chapters the name kinda stuck. so anyway thank you to anyone who actually reads my writing I know im not the best but im trying to improve.
I do not own pokemon Nintendo does. If I ever owned pokemon it would be full of eevees. =)
A Bright light on my face caused me to jolt awake. My name is Voi and I am an espeon. But I'm not a regular espeon I'm able to stand on my hind legs and I have hands and feet instead of paws. The reason I'm like this is I was created in a lab to test if pokemon and human DNA could really be mixed. Everyday since being created I've had to endure being poked and prodded by needles causing me intense pain but also causing me to grow stronger mentally. Everything I've learned I've gotten from reading the minds of the scientists who study me and keep me locked up for their experiments. I slowly started to plan my escape stealing all the information I could about the facility I was locked away in from the people that kept me here. After figuring out what I was doing the scientists built a collar to block my psychic powers they made it so that no matter how strong my psychic powers got they wouldn't overload the system. Those foolish humans don't know what I'm capable of they didn't realize this was all part of my plan I showed my powers to them so they would notice and build this machine but what they don't realize is this machine will allow me to escape. After they put this degrading collar around my neck I looked through my mind until I found the blueprints to the collar. And saw there was a small button on the back of it to deactivate it. I reached my tail up until it got to the button then pushed it but I used my psychic powers to keep the collar still closed around my neck so the scientists couldn't tell I deactivated it.
This is not good I need to accelerate my plans there is no way they are killing me I think its time for me to show them my true power. I thought as I finally let the collar hit the floor. I gathered my psychic powers into a ball when it was about the size of a bowling ball I spread it out into a wave effectively creating an emp which shorted out all of the technology in the building. Using the new darkness as cover I swiftly ran through the hallways using the building layout I got from the scientists I ran to the nearest exit using my psychic powers to dodge the scientists I made it to the door as I pushed open the door that's been keeping me from freedom I hear a loud bang and feel a large stinging pain in my shoulder. I turned around and saw a man in a black business suit and wearing a strange metallic hat I looked to his hand to see he is holding a still smoking gun. I tried knocking him out with my psychic powers but they weren't affecting him it must be that hat I thought. Then I heard another loud bang and my psychic powers kicked in and I made a protective shield in front of me which deflected the bullet and bounced it back at the man knocking him to the ground. I didn't check if he was dead or just knocked out all I could think to do was run through the door and get as far away as possible. I ran for as long as I could slowly feeling the life drip out of me I knew I just had to keep going but I felt my body fall to the ground and I passed out.
authors note: this was the first chapter of a story that ive been working on for awhile now. plz review I crave constructive criticism. if anyone was wondering where I got the name Voi from my friend told me voi means mind in greek and like the idiot I am I just went with it. After writing three chapters I looked it up myself and discovered that it does not mean mind but after three chapters the name kinda stuck. so anyway thank you to anyone who actually reads my writing I know im not the best but im trying to improve.
Date:Jul 9 2014 Chapter:Chapter 1
A bit short, so I'll hold off on a rating until this story is fleshed out more. You asked for constructive criticism, so here goes.
First, about your sentence structure:
USE COMMAS
Commas are important in separating thoughts and clauses within a sentence, and gives the reader cues on when to pause or slow down when reading. Without them, sentences tend to run on and on without giving the reader a chance to comprehend each segment of the sentence that's semantically related. Omitting or not using commas is just as bad as leaving out periods.
Second, about your paragraphing:
It's good that you separated your story into chunks rather than just a wall-of-text, but merely breaking up the words is not enough. Each paragraph should be about a single topic, and when the topic changes, so too should the paragraph. For example:
A Bright light on my face caused me to jolt awake. / My name is Voi and I am an espeon. But I'm not a regular espeon I'm able to stand on my hind legs and I have hands and feet instead of paws. The reason I'm like this is I was created in a lab to test if pokemon and human DNA could really be mixed. / Everyday since being created I've had to endure being poked and prodded by needles causing me intense pain but also causing me to grow stronger mentally. Everything I've learned I've gotten from reading the minds of the scientists who study me and keep me locked up for their experiments. / I slowly started to plan my escape stealing all the information I could about the facility I was locked away in from the people that kept me here.
This first part of your story should be broken up by topic, like into 4 paragraphs as separated by "/" above. Each section talks about a different thing that isn't related to the topic before. If it seems like your paragraphs are too short, you can add more detail and try and show the reader rather than just tell them.