AGNPH Stories
 

Karistaa Usko by Bébinn Heffernan

 

Tasapaino

Chapter 5:
Tasapaino


*)Bervenia Palace - Judgemaster's Hall(*


Cardinal Babus Swain entered the audience chamber as Marche Radiuju was just getting ready to head on out to issue the latest all-points bulletins. He was wearing white robes with blue trim, as well as a zucchetto, which had been given him after his promotion. His snow-white fur had been well-groomed, and his eyes glinted in the sunlight. Standing behind him was Alk.

"Judgemaster?" asked Babus.

Marche looked up from a Wanted poster depicting Chiv Alri and the reward for him: seventy million Gil. "Yes, Father?" asked Marche. Despite their personal relationship, Marche felt compelled to refer to Babus as a man of the cloth.

Marche was a human, and despite being the Judgemaster, did not bother to wear the standard Peytral armor. Instead, he wore a suit of Maximillian field plate, the red shine of the armor counterbalancing the color of his eyes. He had a head of blonde hair, with a large cowlick sticking up out of the center of it. On his back was a judgesword and a mirrored shield, both acquired from Cid's will (as well as the title of Judgemaster).

"Alk wants to talk to you about something," he said. "I told him to wait until you were finished posting the bulletins, but he insisted that he talk to you now, while what he knows is still fresh in his memory."

Marche sighed and set the poster aside, waving Alk in. "Alright, Father, if you wish to stay and listen, feel free."

"Not today, Judgemaster, I have to tend to Church duties," said Babus. Again, personal relationships aside, Babus could not come to refer to Marche by his name or as "Son". "I will, however, listen should he want to come into confessional."

"Why would I want to come to confessionals run by a priest who says I'm a heretic by virtue of species?" rebutted Alk. "I don't mean you, Babus."

"I know full well whom you're referring to, and, honestly, I'm thankful that the Crandonian Pope doesn't take the same hardline stance." With that, he bowed and walked out.

Alk turned to Marche. "Sir, I request a boon."

"What sort of boon?" asked Marche.

"Well... a friend of mine has been kidnapped..."

*)Abandoned House - Basement(*


The Kacheek gently stepped into the water, resorting to walking bipedal due to the water's depth. Even so, she was covered up to her chin. In front of her was the mermaid's-pearls she sought. She gently swam up to them, already tasting the eggs in her mouth.

Before she got close enough to grab at a string, however, she felt a tongue grab her and drag her towards the steps. Looking back, she saw Banon pulling his tongue back to his mouth. Panicking, she struggled to try and free herself in vain. Within a few moments, she was in Banon's mouth, her tail and legs halfway in his throat and her face sticking out of his mouth.

"No," said Banon. "You're not going to eat anyone's eggs while you're here." He spat the emaciated Kacheek out. "So long as you live with me and my mate, you're not to touch these eggs."

The Kacheek turned around and, with all the speed and ferocity of an angry cat, leaped at Banon. He got scratched a few times before slapping the Kacheek away, knocking her into the wall. Fuming, she didn't get a chance to recover before he scruffed her and held her at arm's length away from his face.

"Listen to me," he hissed, "and listen good, you shit. It is only by my mate's and my kids' insistence that you're still here. Were it my choice, you'd just be bones dissolving in Allison's stomach. If you insist on attacking me or the eggs, I will be forced to eat you myself, and I won't be so kind as to give you the mercy of being swallowed whole. Am I clear?"

The Kacheek growled and kept up her defiant look. Her tail had pouffed, and now had an uncharacteristic bushy look.

Banon sighed, then pulled the Kacheek closer to his mouth and whispered something in her ear. She immediately stopped growling.

*)Edge of the Swamp(*


Seventy-five Judges were sitting outside of the marsh, riding atop their steeds and armed with both judgeswords and Bervenia Engineers' Guild Tamer guns, large hunting rifles designed not for the Clan Wars, but for hunters living in less-populated regions of Ivalice. In front of them, riding his Chocobo, was Alk, carrying his judgesword and a FAMAS he'd had imported from Earth.

"Alright, men. A friend of mine, name Allison Ûndreyr, was kidnapped here two days ago by a feral Politoed, and given that she is a member of the Church of Aslan and is not wearing her chastity belt, I assume she has been raped by said Politoed."

"Aw, just leave the wench, kupo!" came a retort from a Moogle judge. Her Chocobo was dressed in alchemical armor that contained healing salves, and she herself had eschewed a Tamer for a throwing calculus and some explosive potions.

Alk rode up to him. "What is your name, ma'am?"

"Annie Linguss."

Alk silently cursed Moogle naming conventions. "And your denomination?"

"Come again, kupo?"

"Your religion, Miss Linguss."

"I follow the teachings of Mog, sir."

Alk stared Annie straight in the eyes.

"Get out of my sight."

Annie looked relieved that she wasn't going to go into the swamp, and, without a second glance, turned around and rode out of the area.

"Does anyone else want to follow Annie's lead and run home with their dick inside their bird's ass?!" roared Alk. The Judges quickly cringed and backed down. Accusing a Judge of committing bestiality with their chocobo was the same as accusing them of cowardice. "No? Well, listen up! We will do a grid search of all of Uladon."

One Judge, a fast-thinking Raichuman, did some mental calculations. "How big of a grid are we talking, sir?" he asked, his tail grounding into the tree behind him.

"Each section will be a hundred-and-fifty-foot square," came the reply.

More mental calculations. "How long are we going to be out here?"

"As long as it takes. What's your name, besides?"

The Raichuman was smart enough not to give an answer and fortunate enough that he'd only come on Marche's order. "If you want that information, chuu, you'll have to get it from Judgemaster Radiuju himself. But if you're implying that I'd sooner run off to the stables, I assure you you're sorely mistaken."

"Good." The moment Alk turned around, the Raichuman muttered under his breath, "My money's on you becoming Malboro food, you arrogant prick."

*)Abandoned House - later in the day(*


Banon walked into the "bedroom" and was somewhat surprised to see Allison have two Poliwag on her chest, sucking on something.

"Hello, honey," murred Allison.

"Hello yourself! What the hell are you doing?" said Banon.

Allison gently pushed a Poliwag off. Milk dripped from the 'wag's mouth, and a reddened and dry areola peeked at Banon. "Feeding the kids," she said flatly before putting the Poliwag back onto the teat and wincing when the Poliwag continued nursing.

"With what?" asked Banon, knowing nothing about mammaries. "Unless you can conjure bugs from your chest, I don't see how you're feeding them."

"I have breasts and teats," answered Allison. "I'll explain to you later."

Before Banon could issue a reprisal, they heard something that made Allison suddenly throw off the kids and bolt under the stove, burying herself in the mud. Banon turned around and heard the Waark! from outside, as well as someone talking in both Common and the Chu dialect.

"'She's my friend, don't harm her and bring her back to me...' Bullshit, you fucking Nidoqueen dildo! I can read between the lines, and if she wants to leave Aslan's church, all the power to her! 'She's been kidnapped...' Yeah, and my surname is Montagnepente!" A knock on the door. "If anyone's in here, you have five seconds to come and answer it before I come in myself!"

Banon grabbed the two kids in the room - the rest were playing in the basement - and hid them inside the stove before sitting in the door, crouched to the ground to keep his skin moist. He'd be damned if they took his third mate away.

True to his word, just as Banon hunkered down, the door was kicked in, obliterating the already-shitty desk. Banon lowered his profile even more in a feeble attempt at camouflage, despite the fact his bright green skin didn't match the brown mud all around him the same way Allison's hair did. A few moments later, a Judge - either a Raichu or a dryhumper's offspring - entered the hall with a hunting rifle drawn. Judging Banon to be no threat, he moved down the stairs and was rewarded with a yowl as the Kacheek leaped at his face, startling him so much that he dropped the gun. It went off and Banon screamed in pain as the shot went through his left arm and into his chest, stopping just shy of the lungs. The Judge turned around and swatted the Kacheek away with the flat of his sword before turning his attention to Banon, who sat there defiantly, ignoring the pain in his arm. The Judge moved closer and pulled a potion out of his pocket.

"There, there." Kneeling before Banon, he swiftly put the potion to his mouth. Banon fought against the Judge, but to no avail. Tasting like sweetened melted plastic, the potion went into Banon's mouth and, once the Judge forcefully pushed Banon's eyes back into his head, down into his stomach. He felt the pain lessen.

"No luck here," he said. "Nothing but frogs and feral Kacheek... hmm?"

Allison had shifted position, causing the only visible part of her - her hair - to move as well. The Judge stepped over Banon and entered the room, moving over to the stove, where he put his hand in the mud. His reward was to get his hand gummed and almost shoved down a throat.

"Leggo my hand, you bastard!" demanded the Judge. He yanked, and Allison's body became visible through the mud, and the Judge immediately stopped his struggles. "Allison?"

Allison let go of the hand. "Who the fuck wants to know?" she demanded icily.

"A friend..." started the Judge.

"...of Alk's, no doubt," finished Allison, interrupting rudely. "Now, unless you want to be car-"

"No, no, no, no, no, you have me all wrong, friend. If I was really here on Alk's order, I'd've killed your mate and his kids already," said the Judge.

"Why in heavens would you even dare follow that Xweetok into this place unless it was to look for me?" Allison replied, licking her chops.

"I'm not here on Alk's orders - fuck, I outrank that dildo," he replied. "No, I'm here on the Judgemaster's orders - and so long as Alk thinks I looked, he can't tell him I didn't do a thing."

Allison still didn't trust the Judge. "Then please disarm yourself." Noticing the tail, she added, "And please ground in the storage room, away from the eggs, Banon, and the kids."

The Judge left the room. Five minutes later, an argument in the Pokelanguage broke out regarding clothes, and another three minutes later, a very embarrassed Raichuman entered the room, his hands and tail covering his crotch.

"No need for the modesty," said Allison. "This is nature. Heading into nature clothed is about as pointless as fucking a doll and hoping to get a son from it."

"I'd rather return to society and not tip off Alk, thanks," he said, keeping his balls covered.

"Fine," she said. She edged herself out of the mud, but stayed on all fours to conserve moisture. "I'm speaking in my father's tongue from here on out so that Banon and the kids may hear. What is your name?"

The Judge turned to look at Banon. "Answer it," was the flat response.

The Judge sighed before speaking, choosing his words wisely on the off-chance there was someone eavesdropping. "Vernon Lancaster," came the meek response.

"Don't be nervous about Banon," said Allison.

"It's not the Politoed," came the response. Sure enough, a second later the Kacheek bounded into the room and skidded to a halt in front of Vern, lifting her rear end and her tail. Allison immediately understood why he wanted to stay covered.

"Banon, could you please move the Kacheek elsewhere, like, say, the basement?" asked Allison.

"No can do," croaked Banon. His head poked in. "She loves Politoed eggs."

"Shit," she groaned. Looking for a place to confine the Kacheek, she finally settled upon an old chest in the corner, which had been used as a Poli bed ever since, judging by the smell. She grabbed the Kacheek and yanked her away, quickly opening the chest and setting the Kacheek inside before shutting it and sitting in a human manner atop the chest. Her weight kept the Kacheek in, and yowling sounds soon issued from the chest.

"Sorry about that. She's in heat and hasn't been mated in her life," she said.

"No problem," replied Vern. He decided to sit on the stove, judging it as the only place which wouldn't muss up the fur in his tailhole area.

"Now, who sent you? Pardon my ignorance, but I was never keen on Ivalicean politics," she said.

"The Judgemaster Marche Radiuju," was the reply. At this, Banon loosed a stream of profanities and barely-understandable words which Allison understood as a vehement objection. So did Vern, who responded, "And, no, we do not make foraging harder for you intentionally."

Allison started her next question before a loud yowl interrupted her. She started again. "So why search if you feel I should remain free?" she asked.

"Alk had put forth the possibility you'd been killed to the Judgemaster," Vern said. "I was sent because I tend to have experience as to knowing if someone's died."

"Jagd Judge?" asked Allison.

"No - Judges don't go to Jagds unless they want their throats slit. I was raised in Sekhein Province," came the response. At this, Vern turned himself around, and a brand was visible on his right shoulder blade, as were several scars from a whip. "I managed to emigrate when my fellow men rebelled against the slaver."

Allison quickly understood. "And your parents?"

"Mom escaped with me. Dad led the insurrection, and as a result was executed." Vern couldn't hide a tear.

Allison nodded somberly. "I see..."

"I have a question," asked Banon. "What's with the ball on your belt?"

"What ball?" asked Allison.

"That ball has my mother in it," Vern replied. "The slaver that captured my mother lives on still, and as such she's cursed to illness. The only way she can live is if I keep her inside the Pokéball until he dies."

"Wouldn't you be bound by the same curse?" asked Banon.

"I am," Vern admitted. "In fact, one of the items you made me remove was a charm that negated the curse for me so long as I wore it." At this, Vern put his hand to his mouth and quickly vomited onto the floor. The vomit was black, as if blood had deliberately been admixed to the foods - all mainly breads and cheese - added in. "The curse isn't fatal in the short term, but I can't remain in open air for too long before I choke."

A yowl issued from the chest. "Seems she's taken a shine to you," Allison said.

"I'm not really planning on having kids until my slaver dies should he find me," said Vern. "Sekhein law would enslave them as well."

"But you're a judge!" retorted Banon.

"I'm property," said Vern before he vomited again, the vomit all black. He spat out thick black gobs immediately thereafter.

"Banon, get the charm!" Allison implored. "I don't think him choking is going to help any of us."

After a minute, Banon ran in with the charm and placed it around the Raichuman's neck. The charm was a small necklace with a pearl in the middle of it. Crandonian mother-of-pearl, remembered Allison, neutralizes unnatural forces.

"Sorry," said Vern. "I should leave now..."

"No, wait. Vern, was it?" asked Banon.

Vern turned to the Politoed. "Yeah?"

"You said there's a risk your old master could find you, right?"

"I did," he replied.

"Well, if he does find out where you are, and you have a chance to flee... Could you be able to come here?"

Allison was shocked. Banon actually growing a human heart?

"With all due respect, Banon, I don't understand why you'd make the request," said Vern. "My master is a human, and a rather tall one at that. You'd be dead before you even licked your chops and got your eyes ready."

"I have my reasons," said Banon. "And before you come, could you surreptitiously damage Nono's airship by, say, draining some fuel from it?"

Allison quickly knew what Banon was planning. "Banon, don't! As it is he's flirting with our lives by coming here; don't endanger them that way as well!"

Banon turned to her and replied, bluntly, "Can you use magic that can kill a Sekhein native in a casting?"

"No, b-"

"Then shut it." Returning to Vern, Banon said, "Well, can you?"

"Indeed I can, if it'll allow my mother freedom," came Vern's response.

Banon held out a hand. "Then we're agreed. And if you need to return to nature, feel free to come back any time. Just keep your pink thing away from my mate."

Vern thought for a second before shaking it.

"Do you realize what you're agreeing to, Vern?" asked Allison in the common tongue. "If Alk ever follows you, I'm screwed!"

"And if Alk ever follows me," came the reply, "his Judgehood can't save his bones from dissolving in a Politoed's gut."

The sounds of Chocobos moving past the house was heard. Allison and Vern paled, and the former fled back to beneath the stove, burying herself in the mud once again and allowing the Kacheek to exit the chest. Vern also fled the room for the storage room in order to put his clothes, weapons, and armor back on so he could get out and onto his Chocobo before the other Judges suspected something. The Chinese fire-drill was over in a matter of minutes, and Vern was out of there in half-a-second before no time.

*)Twelve minutes later - Edge of the swamp(*


All the Judges still alive stood front-and-center before Alk, with Vern on the very end. Alk didn't look thrilled.

"You're telling me that none of you saw any fucking trace of her?!" demanded Alk.

One of the Judges, a human, spoke up. "We found pieces of a chastity belt floating on top of a pool of water. My partner went in to get it, but he was killed almost immediately by the sahuagin that had laid claim to that pool."

Another Judge, this one a Bangaa, also chimed in. "My party found the remainsss of the Chocobo ssshe wasss dragging off when you found her, in a sssinkhole before a tree trunk with sssurvival rulesss addressssed to her etched into it."

"What about you, sir?!" demanded Alk of Vern. He approached him and sniffed. "You smell like shit and pitch."

"Sorry, sir, the swamp air made me gag," Vern said, quickly thinking up a lie to explain the stench of Allison's offal and his two yawns. "Lost my lunch a couple of times. I found an abandoned and ramshackle house in the middle of the swamp, but it had been deserted for quite some time. The only thing I saw in there was a feral Kacheek, looking for a bone."

Alk turned back, then shot a glare at Vern as if to say, Liar. "Fine, then, back to Cyril."

As the procession left, Alk stopped Vern.

"I don't believe you at all, sir," he said bluntly.

"The feeling is mutual, you shit," came the flat response from Vern. "I searched and found nothing but that house. What did you think I do, sirrah? Find your little friend and fuck her brains out?"

Alk snarled. "You shall refer to her with more respect than you do me, sir."

"I am not of Aslan's religion, you idiot," retorted Vern. "Unless 'Mew' is another name for the golden-maned. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to return home and recuperate."

Vern rode off, his Chocobo only too happy to be away from Alk. Alk pondered what he said, then came to a realization.

"That house has more than a Kacheek in it," he said to himself before riding off.
Chapter End Notes:The poll (mentioned in ch.4's endnotes) is still ongoing, so if you have any ideas, feel free to send them my way
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