Story Notes:
Many people think that having everything is a strength, but it can also be your ultimate weakness. When all of this is taken away from you in a heartbeat, you will be left devestated. And if someone dies because of your selfishness, in your place...how can you live with yourself? The guilt of being Still Alive can brng you to the point of insanity, but it can also allow you to fight back and try to re-gain your pride and honour, and put your guilty mind at rest.
But Inside My Head, So Loud And Clear
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I heard them leave the room, chuckling at how easy it had been to take everything all away from me. I could feel the warmth of the fresh blood that had started to wash over my feet...but it wasn't my blood that I felt...I couldn't accept who the blood belonged to. Slumped against the corner of my cabin, there was nothing I could do but cry...I was too paralysed with fear to run after the men...to check whether he was dead. I felt so weak...something I hadn't felt in a long time. How could this happen? It didn't...it...didn't happen, that's all that I could say to reassure myself, lying to myself was better than accepting it...I should look. If I look...I might be able to save him. Slowly, my eyes opened...and everything was okay, Blaze looked down on me wondering what on Earth was wrong, why I was showing fear when there was nothing to be scared of. Smiling with relief, wiping the tears from my eyes, I stood up and reached to embrace him, he wasn't dead and everything was going to be okay! But my desperate hands met nothing but cold air, not warm fur, I looked up at his face and it had suddenly changed. He was now staring at me, hatred suddenly sprouting from nowhere, his teeth bared, accusing me for everything that had happened. But what had happened? I couldn't remember, everything was okay wasn't it? But then the vision completely disappeared and the smell of death entered my nostrils, at my feet lay his corpse...blood gushing out of a single hole his chest. I scream.
*************
"It's the same dream I have every night...I always wake up screaming." I mutter quietly, my mind miles away, as the doctor nods his head. That was all he ever did. He didn't understand the pain I was going through, there was no way he could really help me...he didn't know what it felt like to be rotten on the inside, waking up every day to the knowledge that you should be dead...and that you are the reason why someone you were supposed to love died alone, without you even being there by their side. Seeing his face every day, accusing me for what had happened to him.
"I understand, but there's nothing to worry about, these things pass with time, just remember to take your medication and everything will be okay," Nothing will ever be okay for me again...everything had been taken away from me...and it was all my fault, I didn't deserve to be alive...not anymore. Taking drugs never helped...sure they'd be a few nights where I'd sleep peacefully, but their effects would always wear off after a while...and the nightmares would come back worse. There was no escape for me from this fate...but I know full well that I deserved it. "We'll take you back to your nice comfy cell now, I will speak to you again soon," I didn't need to be wearing the straight jacket to know that he thought I was insane...but to be honest, I probably was pretty crazy...it would explain the visions that I saw everywhere, of Blaze haunting me everywhere I went...
The guard put a hand on my shoulder and I stood and walked down the bleak hallway to my cell, where I'd spend another day of talking to myself, crying and desperately trying to take my own life. But it never worked. Pushed into my cell I let myself fall onto the padded the floor, staring at the ground was better than going deeper into insanity. But this didn't work either. I could smell him from where I lay, the stench of death surrounded him. But when I looked up, he wasn't there...but the wall had turned into T.V screen, replaying his dive in front of the bullet. The yelp of pain as it entered his body and shredded his organs. The slump of his body onto the floor. His dying breath...even when I shut my eyes it played on, again and again. My screams echoed through the room. My tears stained the floors.
******************************************
It was my father's fault...yes, that had to be it! It was ALL his fault! God damn him! Damn him to fucking hell! If only he hadn't sent me that Mew then everything would have been okay. It had all been just another one of his experiments, only this time he had upped the stakes by using his precious little angel in it, he wanted to see whether I could train that Mew to become something more, something amazing! He was right, of course. I could have done that. I would have made it a DEITY! But I changed, I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to hurt Pokémon like he did, they were my friends. The only friends that I ever had! And when he began to realise that, he hunted me down...he played one of his famous games, with his DAUGHTER. That sick, sick bastard! All I'd ever wanted was for him to be proud of me, for him to LOVE me like I LOVED him, and as my reward he sent armed thugs to steal the Pokémon that I'd work SO HARD to raise and even told one of them to kill me. He knew that I was weak...he didn't want a weak daughter like me...and even now...he leaves me rotting in a cell...just like all of those poor Pokémon in the labs...ironic.
*******************************************
I felt the touch of a warm tongue on my cheek and my eyes slowly opened...I was staring into his face. He was alive. For a moment...I wonder where we were, the feel of sand on my skin and the soft chorus of the sea tell me that I'm lying on a beach. But why? It doesn't matter, what matters is that it was all just a dream, and now I'm here with him again. I wrap my arms around his shoulders gingerly, expecting them to just pass through thin air...but they don't, he's solid! He is REAL! Happiness floods through my mind like ecstasy, and I quickly look into his eyes, no accusation...no anger, just...love. Love Love Love Love Love LOVE! He moves his head closer to mine and our lips lock, fireworks fly into the sky behind us, detonating to form beautiful patterns...but one of the patterns looked strangely familiar...it was a Pokémon for sure...a small one at that... I wonder why I can see these patterns whilst my eyes are shut, enjoying the kiss...I wonder why warmth is spilling through my body...I wonder why I'm covered in red liquid. I wake up. I cry.
****************************************
Shower-time, the one time the harness restricting my arms is removed, the one time I get to try and take my own life...but it's never easy, the guards are always watching, and I'm always frightened. Only half-awake, they escort me to the cubicle...the walls of the hallway are no longer blank, they're covered with eyes...each one staring at me, blaming me. I'm too tired to scream, but inside the confines of my mind my screams echo, it's not my fault, it's not my fault! But no-one ever listens. I'm inside the cubicle now, staring up at the cold metal tube which weakly sprinkles water onto my head, it's never hot enough to penetrate the cold I feel inside. I turn my head to the side, and I see him again...the guards are gone...
I'm in my house, in my bathroom, watching him look over my body with peculiar interest. I realise this is just a dream, a vision, not real in the slightest. But it doesn't matter to me anymore, it's either this or reality...no competition. I wonder why he's looking at me so strangely, but then he steps into the shower with me and hugs me, enveloping me in his warm fur. In an instant I become completely warm, purged of all my thoughts...it's amazing. His image flickers for a moment, for a second he becomes smaller with a long and wavy tail, a pained face on its small head, mouthing something, but I didn't catch it, the image flickered back. Nothing was going to ruin this moment. I didn't care what the little creature had to say, Blaze had forgiven me. But then I was back in the prison shower, the room empty save for the guards, a feeling of loss overwhelmed me, life wasn't worth living, death was the only option.
************************************
The doctor was looking at me, probably wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, my eyes darted around the room, I needed to find something...anything that I could use to kill myself with. It was all too much. I didn't want to be doomed to a life of guilt, a life where I constantly dreamed of being happy with him, and then waking up to find that I was still alone. The life that I was leading wasn't really a life, Blaze would probably be ashamed of how I had chosen to live it, he'd given me his life and what had I done with it. Nothing. Sod all. A waste. Might as well just end it now. I spotted what I would use, a scalpel, perfect, I could watch my blood pour like I had watched Blaze's, just as helpless as I was back then as I was today. My hand darted towards the scalpel, I picked it up...but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even as desperate as I was, I was still too weak to lift the knife to my own neck...the Doctor simply watched me with an amused look on his face. No wonder why Daddy had hated me.
"Roxy. Tell me. Why did you try and take your own life?" I laughed, what else was there that I could do this whole world that I was trapped in seemed to be completely crazy, so I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"Because I'm still alive." I answered, I didn't want to stay in this world, haunted by the screams of Blaze, guilty. The doctor laughed and motioned for the guards to take me away.
"Don't worry, we'll fix that soon enough," They took me, and in seconds I was back in the cell, thinking up a way to die, crying to myself. Then it started again, the visions, I was on the beach, fireworks darting throughout the night sky...alone with Blaze. But there was something else...something that I can't quite focus on...it's a sound, a whisper coming from the sea. But every time I try to focus on it, my attention turns to Blaze, he feels more real than ever before, the warmth of his fur...the feel of his tongue against mine. But this isn't what I wanted, I tried desperately to focus on the whisper, but each time something new happened, my clothes had disappeared, I was naked underneath him, he was inside me...moaning in pleasure as he entered me. I could feel myself slipping away, losing myself to the steady rhythm of his thrusts, my mind slowly dimming. NO! The beach roared, allowing my mind to instantly clear. RESIST. My eyes opened, I was back in the padded cell, the door hung ajar, I had to escape. None of this was real. None of it. Escape. ESCAPE.
I picked myself to my feet and ran through the open door into the deserted hallway, not pausing for breath. There was a light at the end of the hallway, every fibre of my body told me to go the other way, but now I knew. I KNEW. My mind was being clouded, influenced by something. By what I couldn't tell. But it didn't matter, because I was going to WIN. I KNEW that I had to go the way that felt wrong, so I fought against my body and began the walk towards the light.
"NO!" An anguished cry screamed from behind me, he had never spoken before, but I could tell it was Blaze."Don't leave me here!" I kept going, his screams of agony reverberating through my head, growing louder every second. I didn't deserve to live. It's all my fault. I should turn around and go back to the cell, doom myself to the fate that I deserve. But I could see now that these were alien thoughts, they didn't belong in my head, I WAS NOT going to commit suicide, not when I was so close to escape! With a scream of defiance I entered the light...I fell...and reality came up to greet me.Chapter End Notes:Fuck that was a weird chapter to write. Ah well, next chapter will be slightly less insane...slightly >.> Review's welcome.It's alright guys, it'll all end happily...maybe ^^; BTW, fixed, sorry bout the annoying paragraphs
*************
"It's the same dream I have every night...I always wake up screaming." I mutter quietly, my mind miles away, as the doctor nods his head. That was all he ever did. He didn't understand the pain I was going through, there was no way he could really help me...he didn't know what it felt like to be rotten on the inside, waking up every day to the knowledge that you should be dead...and that you are the reason why someone you were supposed to love died alone, without you even being there by their side. Seeing his face every day, accusing me for what had happened to him.
"I understand, but there's nothing to worry about, these things pass with time, just remember to take your medication and everything will be okay," Nothing will ever be okay for me again...everything had been taken away from me...and it was all my fault, I didn't deserve to be alive...not anymore. Taking drugs never helped...sure they'd be a few nights where I'd sleep peacefully, but their effects would always wear off after a while...and the nightmares would come back worse. There was no escape for me from this fate...but I know full well that I deserved it. "We'll take you back to your nice comfy cell now, I will speak to you again soon," I didn't need to be wearing the straight jacket to know that he thought I was insane...but to be honest, I probably was pretty crazy...it would explain the visions that I saw everywhere, of Blaze haunting me everywhere I went...
The guard put a hand on my shoulder and I stood and walked down the bleak hallway to my cell, where I'd spend another day of talking to myself, crying and desperately trying to take my own life. But it never worked. Pushed into my cell I let myself fall onto the padded the floor, staring at the ground was better than going deeper into insanity. But this didn't work either. I could smell him from where I lay, the stench of death surrounded him. But when I looked up, he wasn't there...but the wall had turned into T.V screen, replaying his dive in front of the bullet. The yelp of pain as it entered his body and shredded his organs. The slump of his body onto the floor. His dying breath...even when I shut my eyes it played on, again and again. My screams echoed through the room. My tears stained the floors.
******************************************
It was my father's fault...yes, that had to be it! It was ALL his fault! God damn him! Damn him to fucking hell! If only he hadn't sent me that Mew then everything would have been okay. It had all been just another one of his experiments, only this time he had upped the stakes by using his precious little angel in it, he wanted to see whether I could train that Mew to become something more, something amazing! He was right, of course. I could have done that. I would have made it a DEITY! But I changed, I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to hurt Pokémon like he did, they were my friends. The only friends that I ever had! And when he began to realise that, he hunted me down...he played one of his famous games, with his DAUGHTER. That sick, sick bastard! All I'd ever wanted was for him to be proud of me, for him to LOVE me like I LOVED him, and as my reward he sent armed thugs to steal the Pokémon that I'd work SO HARD to raise and even told one of them to kill me. He knew that I was weak...he didn't want a weak daughter like me...and even now...he leaves me rotting in a cell...just like all of those poor Pokémon in the labs...ironic.
*******************************************
I felt the touch of a warm tongue on my cheek and my eyes slowly opened...I was staring into his face. He was alive. For a moment...I wonder where we were, the feel of sand on my skin and the soft chorus of the sea tell me that I'm lying on a beach. But why? It doesn't matter, what matters is that it was all just a dream, and now I'm here with him again. I wrap my arms around his shoulders gingerly, expecting them to just pass through thin air...but they don't, he's solid! He is REAL! Happiness floods through my mind like ecstasy, and I quickly look into his eyes, no accusation...no anger, just...love. Love Love Love Love Love LOVE! He moves his head closer to mine and our lips lock, fireworks fly into the sky behind us, detonating to form beautiful patterns...but one of the patterns looked strangely familiar...it was a Pokémon for sure...a small one at that... I wonder why I can see these patterns whilst my eyes are shut, enjoying the kiss...I wonder why warmth is spilling through my body...I wonder why I'm covered in red liquid. I wake up. I cry.
****************************************
Shower-time, the one time the harness restricting my arms is removed, the one time I get to try and take my own life...but it's never easy, the guards are always watching, and I'm always frightened. Only half-awake, they escort me to the cubicle...the walls of the hallway are no longer blank, they're covered with eyes...each one staring at me, blaming me. I'm too tired to scream, but inside the confines of my mind my screams echo, it's not my fault, it's not my fault! But no-one ever listens. I'm inside the cubicle now, staring up at the cold metal tube which weakly sprinkles water onto my head, it's never hot enough to penetrate the cold I feel inside. I turn my head to the side, and I see him again...the guards are gone...
I'm in my house, in my bathroom, watching him look over my body with peculiar interest. I realise this is just a dream, a vision, not real in the slightest. But it doesn't matter to me anymore, it's either this or reality...no competition. I wonder why he's looking at me so strangely, but then he steps into the shower with me and hugs me, enveloping me in his warm fur. In an instant I become completely warm, purged of all my thoughts...it's amazing. His image flickers for a moment, for a second he becomes smaller with a long and wavy tail, a pained face on its small head, mouthing something, but I didn't catch it, the image flickered back. Nothing was going to ruin this moment. I didn't care what the little creature had to say, Blaze had forgiven me. But then I was back in the prison shower, the room empty save for the guards, a feeling of loss overwhelmed me, life wasn't worth living, death was the only option.
************************************
The doctor was looking at me, probably wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, my eyes darted around the room, I needed to find something...anything that I could use to kill myself with. It was all too much. I didn't want to be doomed to a life of guilt, a life where I constantly dreamed of being happy with him, and then waking up to find that I was still alone. The life that I was leading wasn't really a life, Blaze would probably be ashamed of how I had chosen to live it, he'd given me his life and what had I done with it. Nothing. Sod all. A waste. Might as well just end it now. I spotted what I would use, a scalpel, perfect, I could watch my blood pour like I had watched Blaze's, just as helpless as I was back then as I was today. My hand darted towards the scalpel, I picked it up...but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even as desperate as I was, I was still too weak to lift the knife to my own neck...the Doctor simply watched me with an amused look on his face. No wonder why Daddy had hated me.
"Roxy. Tell me. Why did you try and take your own life?" I laughed, what else was there that I could do this whole world that I was trapped in seemed to be completely crazy, so I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"Because I'm still alive." I answered, I didn't want to stay in this world, haunted by the screams of Blaze, guilty. The doctor laughed and motioned for the guards to take me away.
"Don't worry, we'll fix that soon enough," They took me, and in seconds I was back in the cell, thinking up a way to die, crying to myself. Then it started again, the visions, I was on the beach, fireworks darting throughout the night sky...alone with Blaze. But there was something else...something that I can't quite focus on...it's a sound, a whisper coming from the sea. But every time I try to focus on it, my attention turns to Blaze, he feels more real than ever before, the warmth of his fur...the feel of his tongue against mine. But this isn't what I wanted, I tried desperately to focus on the whisper, but each time something new happened, my clothes had disappeared, I was naked underneath him, he was inside me...moaning in pleasure as he entered me. I could feel myself slipping away, losing myself to the steady rhythm of his thrusts, my mind slowly dimming. NO! The beach roared, allowing my mind to instantly clear. RESIST. My eyes opened, I was back in the padded cell, the door hung ajar, I had to escape. None of this was real. None of it. Escape. ESCAPE.
I picked myself to my feet and ran through the open door into the deserted hallway, not pausing for breath. There was a light at the end of the hallway, every fibre of my body told me to go the other way, but now I knew. I KNEW. My mind was being clouded, influenced by something. By what I couldn't tell. But it didn't matter, because I was going to WIN. I KNEW that I had to go the way that felt wrong, so I fought against my body and began the walk towards the light.
"NO!" An anguished cry screamed from behind me, he had never spoken before, but I could tell it was Blaze."Don't leave me here!" I kept going, his screams of agony reverberating through my head, growing louder every second. I didn't deserve to live. It's all my fault. I should turn around and go back to the cell, doom myself to the fate that I deserve. But I could see now that these were alien thoughts, they didn't belong in my head, I WAS NOT going to commit suicide, not when I was so close to escape! With a scream of defiance I entered the light...I fell...and reality came up to greet me.Chapter End Notes:Fuck that was a weird chapter to write. Ah well, next chapter will be slightly less insane...slightly >.> Review's welcome.It's alright guys, it'll all end happily...maybe ^^; BTW, fixed, sorry bout the annoying paragraphs