AGNPH Stories

The Human Species by RingsOfSaturn


Story Notes:

It was a quiet night when Deoxys descended from the heavens.
Believed to not be of this world, it went on a rampage, leaving death and destruction in its wake.
Finally defeated by an unknown force, the tragedy of unparalleled magnitude it created remains in the heart of every human.
To make sure that something like this will never happen again, every wild Pokèmon powerful enough to cause such mayhem must be captured, controlled or killed.
Needless to say, this year has been a bad year for Legendaries. This year has also been a bad year for Champion Trainers.
But my year... Has been... THE WORST! 

Author's Chapter Notes:


Prehistoric Tomboy Kabuta

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It took the duo several days of travel before they came across a forest. This elated Zerobi as she referred to their surroundings as a "buffet" while Lucario secretly hoped she was talking about game and not berries. He missed his trusted pair of shoes as many sharp pine cone-like things were strewn over the road, forcing him to constantly look down and avoid them with every step. At any rate, they both felt that it made for some nice variety, something they had not experienced in quite a long while...

"Alright, here's one..." Zerobi said, before putting extra effort into her pronunciation, "Adrift upon the barren plateaus, I wander endlessly... Protecting none but myself... And fighting no one but the wind."

"... That's poetry?" Lucario asked with a cocky tone, "I don't see any 'barren plateaus'... Besides, it didn't rhyme or anything."

"It's not supposed to!" Zerobi explained with exclamation, "Poetry can be anything!"

"... So, while we're on the subject of 'lame', why not tell me another riveting tale from that kooky magazine of yours?" Lucario snapped back, looking to his side with a bored face.

"There was this one story about a Lucario that didn't shut up" Zerobi replied with an underlying growl, "It's rated M for extreme violence. I'm not seeing you coming up with a better idea on how to pass the time!"

The two of them became quiet, both very tired of each other. Not having had anyone else to talk to for the past week had gotten them in foul moods and at each other's throats. Realizing whose throat would be the one to experience one of Zerobi's claws, Lucario decided that it was time to parlay.

"You know... Not fighting for your life every day kind of takes the edge of things" Lucario said, not knowing whether to sigh or snicker at their predicament.

"No kidding?" Zerobi responded sarcastically, "Do you think they've given up?"

"They were relentless right up until we left Snowpoint" Lucario mumbled while his shoulder hurt and back stung a bit as a quick reminder, "I would've bet the farm on us getting attacked since then."

"Don't forget that we're in the middle of nowhere, the odds of them finding us..." Zerobi explained, before silencing herself after realizing a fallacy, "Then again, they DID find my hideout rather easily..."

"I mean, I have been able to 'sense' life as of late, through walls and everything..." Lucario said as he made a short leap on to a large rock on the road instead of walking around it, "But, you know, it's got pretty short range. Plus, I can't sense you."

"That's because I'm a Dark-type" Zerobi said as she calmly walked around the huge stone, "That aura thing, or whatever they call it? We don't have that."

"You keep talking about types" Lucario said while jumping down from the rock, landing securely on both his feet, "... I don't really know what that is."

"That's... Going to be a problem" Zerobi said while thinking to herself, "It's pretty much the ABC of Pokèmon. You'll need to know them if you want to stay alive, and there'll be a lot to learn"

"Yay..." Lucario exclaimed sarcastically, "Well, I DO plan on stayin' alive... So, better get started, eh?"

"Hmm... The question is where..." Zerobi mumbled as she quickly looked over Lucario's body, "I guess... In your case, your major weakness would be to fire."

"... Weak against fire?" Lucario asked before giving off a snicker, "Who isn't? Wait, you mean there are Pokèmon out there that breathe fire!?"

"Breathe... Kick..." Zerobi started counting up her previous experiences, "... Punch. Basically, if it can be done, it can be done with fire."

"That makes no sense!" Lucario shouted in surprise yet also with a hint of admiration, "I mean, it's cool as all hell, but how's that even physically possible!?"

"You'll have to ask one of them, but I think they have a flame sac somewhere in them that creates something flammable..." Zerobi answered while remembering her days in school, "... And they use their claws and teeth or whatever to ignite it."

"Great, now I can probably pass biology and science with straight A's..." Lucario groaned before putting on a strange impersonation with his voice, "See, professor, that's why drinking oil is actually good for you!"

"Grr! I've had it up to here with all your nonsense!" Zerobi suddenly growled as she pointed accusingly to her partner, "Alright! I'm pressing you on this! Tell me! What's this 'oil' you just mentioned?"

"Flammable substance" Lucario responded quickly, "Actually, it's more like a bunch of dead plants and animals condensed into a black sludge."

"It's... It's WHAT!?" Zerobi exclaimed with a startled voice.

"Full of energy too, we use it to operate machinery" Lucario kept going, deriving pleasure from finally being the one surprising Zerobi with information.

"You..." Zerobi stammered as she tried to grasp what he had just said, "... You use corpses to operate machinery!?"

"No, no, no..." Lucario repeated in a calming tone, "They're several million years old, and have been put into so much pressure that they've turned into a... Well, a black sludge."

"... That's sickening!" Zerobi burst out in disgust, "I think it's sickening! Do you have ANY idea what it would take for ME to be sickened by something!?"

As if on cue, three very strange figures appeared from behind a hill further ahead. They were chatting both loudly and happily. The first figure was short as well as brightly yellow, a Pokèmon Zerobi recognized as a Pikachu. Lucario was still torn between calling it a rat, mouse or possum. The second figure was tall and extremely slender, even more so than Zerobi. It was a Gallade, and a shiver ran through Zerobi as she remembered what she had to do the last time she met one of those. To Lucario, it was the only one of them that appeared to be somewhat human in shape.

However, the third creature was the one that both their eyes fixated on, trying to make sense out of. It was walking forward on two legs with a brown, rocky shell covering its body and face, and had two giant scythes sticking out of its body. It also appeared to have a special sort of white protection on its torso, shaped like abdominal muscles but clearly not.

"Whatever it is, it's not far from us now..." Lucario mumbled with disdain as the second party came nearer and they were able to listen in on their conversation.

"It's not fair!" the rocky creature said with a surprisingly soft and high pitched voice, "So if I kill him, it's bad, but if you do it, it's good!?"

"We're not planning on killing anyone!" the Gallade spoke with yet another surprisingly girly voice, "Just giving you a heads-up that if it's really really REALLY necessary..."

"So what!? We just kick the living hell out of his Pokèmon and then let this idiot off the hook?" the brown one responded angrily, "He'll be back!"

"Pfft, don't be so sure about that..." the tiny yellow thing huffed with a deep voice, "Remember the story about the Dragonite? Sometimes, all it takes to break the mightiest warrior is a single loss."

"That's crazy!" the one with the scythes snapped back, "He totally screwed over pops and bro, I'm gonna beat him good!"

"You're gonna be sent straight home if you don't act more maturely!" the Pikachu yelled in a much more menacing tone than before, "And stop cursing, damn it!"

"Who gives a crap if I curse or not?" the walking rock huffed, "'Act more ladylike'... If you've got time to worry 'bout that... There's got to be more important things to worry about!"

"More important than keeping Kabutops calm and pleasant? Hell no!" the Pikachu burst out while keeping the earlier tone, "He says it's my fault, because you hung around with me so much!"

"Well, to be fair... That's totally what it is" the Gallade chimed in with a large smile, "You know, if I ever have a daughter... Yeah, she's never even meeting you. I might have one right now that you don't know anything about!"

"... You probably have several that YOU know nothing about!" the yellow one responded, making the brown one burst out in laughter.

"AHAHAHA!" the one with the scythes roared while raising one of its oddly shaped arms at the white one, "Burned you good, uncle sissy!"

"HEY! I was there for your birth!" the white one shouted with annoyance, "Show some respect, will ya!?"

"No, you weren't" the small mouse said bluntly, "You got smashed and passed out in a hotel room."

"H-HEY...! I-I was celebrating, you know!" the thin humanoid stammered as the brown one laughed even harder, "Damn it, why'd you have to tell her that!? You really are a meanie!"

"Honestly, I'd never seen Kabutops so happy. I asked him whether it was Kabuta's birth or the fact that you weren't there, and he just went..." the small creature said as he suddenly made his voice monotonic and started speaking slower, "... 'What do you think'...?"

"Whatever. We're tight, he just likes to act like we aren't, for some reason..." the slender, white Pokèmon said calmly as they finally were right in front of Lucario and Zerobi. For a split second, a true legend stood face to face with a human transformed into a Pokèmon, accompanied by the founder of the cult known as evolution's gate. A spark of undetectable tension formed in a triangle between these three, as if three parts of something much bigger had been united at long last.

The two teams shot each member a quick glance, but kept walking and finally moved past each other.

"Man, what the hell was that?" Lucario whispered curiously to Zerobi as soon as the others were a couple of feet behind them.

"Good practice... Hopefully" Zerobi whispered back, "Tell me, what types did you think those Pokèmon were?"

"... Not my type, that's for sure!" Lucario laughed while keeping his voice down to a whisper, "A fat rat, a walking vector and a mouthless, faceless, charmless rock. With legs... I think. Might've been stalagmites for all I know..."

"Lucario..." Zerobi mumbled.

"I mean, what the hell was that!?" Lucario continued laughing, "The green thing looks like it was out skiing on its hands and fell into 'the pit of unfitting triangles', where it must've had quite a few of them lodged into it!"

"... They can still hear you" Zerobi muttered bitterly.

Lucario's smile faded quickly as he turned around and saw that the three peculiar Pokèmon had stopped and become quiet. The ears of the yellow rat twitched back and forth.

"What, did I, like... Offend them or something?" Lucario asked innocently, analyzing his previous statement.

"... Stalagmites!?" Kabuta growled brashly as she turned around with an angry shout, "You piece of SHIT!"

"These 'triangles' are a piece of ART, you f... Fu..." the Gallade stammered while also turning around, but started trailing off as he saw the foul-mouthed Kabutops in front of him, "... Jerk!"

"... Fat, eh?" Pikablu said with previously unsurpassed annoyance, refusing to even make the slightest move, "Yeah, I guess... Never mind that I've fought and trained every day of my life, asswipe."

"Ooh, scary" Lucario mocked boastfully, never having been one to back down, "I'll have you know, I'm an outlaw. Chased by the police and all. Now, beat it before I do something outlaw-ish to you all!"

"... Right" Pikablu muttered, finally turning around with a bitter stare on his face, "Alright, who wants to kick his ass first?"

"Me! Me!" Kabuta yelled quickly with a short jump, "It'll be great warm up!"

"No killing!" the Gallade yelled back with a worried tone, "Like, I want him dead too, but just-"

"I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna emasculate him!" Kabuta interrupted before taking a few steps away from her companions, towards Lucario.

"Ugh, look what you got us into now..." Zerobi groaned, slowly backing away from Lucario.

"Uh, listen, guys..." Lucario said as his rationality suddenly returned from its long vacation, "I'm sorry for what I said. No need to get violent."

"Hahaha! What a pussy!" Kabuta laughed while obviously trying to make her voice sound gruffer, "No wonder he's wearing pants, he probably hasn't got any balls down there!" Both Pikablu and the Gallade looked down shamefully.

"You know, if Kabutops WAS here, he'd be killing you right about now" the Gallade mumbled to Pikablu.

"I don't know where the hell things went wrong with this kid..." Pikablu responded, not being able to help feeling a slight twinge of fatherhood with Kabuta's every curse word.

"Cool voice, sis" Lucario said to her, striking a battle pose while once again giving up on settling things peacefully, "Even I wouldn't mistake that for manly."

"You two, just sit back and watch!" Kabuta said while giving a gesture to her partners, "I'm about to teach this bitch a lesson or two about bitchville!"

"POPULATION: YOU!" Kabuta yelled as she dashed towards Lucario, giant scythes held out in an attacking stance. Even though he had trouble telling what was up and down on the odd creature, Lucario leaped forward and pressed down on where all the shouting was coming from, assuming it was her head. Her advance was immediately halted as she almost tripped forward, and suddenly she felt a heavy weight fall down on her back as Lucario made a small hop above her and sat down on her. She was about to throw her scythe-like arms above her when suddenly the Lucario's legs came down upon those as well, effectively trapping her underneath him.

"Welcome to bitchville!" Lucario said as he could no longer contain himself from laugher, "Please, enjoy your stay!"

"LEMME GO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Kabuta screamed, wriggling helplessly on the ground like an earthworm.

"Huh..." the Gallade said as he put his elongated arms behind his head, "I honestly didn't see that one coming."

"Like hell you didn't..." Pikablu mumbled angrily before yelling loudly, "Hey! Lucario! You've got exactly five seconds to unhand my niece... Or shit WILL go down!"

"No deal!" Lucario replied confidently as the Kabutops struggled beneath him, "Best massage chair I've ever had."

"FUCKER!" Kabuta roared with indignation, never ceasing to try to break free.

"It doesn't have a 'mute' button, does it...?" Lucario mumbled to himself before taking a closer look at the scythes he had pinned under his feet. He became noticeable colder as he saw just how sharp they were, realizing that if he hadn't stomped down on their flat sides his feet probably would've split in two.

"Hey Zerobi, these hands kind of remind me of yours!" he shouted back to the Weavile behind him, who had once again gotten impressed over how the competent fighter before her and the guy she had jerked around with all week was one and the same Pokèmon.

"... Zerobi?" Pikablu said to himself, the name sounding somewhat familiar. Something from long ago, yet still something that had always been with him... And most definitively something he had not expected to hear.

"C'mon! Help me out here!" Kabuta yelled from her pathetic position, obviously not in a pleasant state of mind.

"Stay back, Pikablu" the Gallade suddenly said with a serious tone as he took a determined step forward, "This one's mine."

"Wait, don't-" Pikablu started as something about the situation rubbed him the wrong way, but was interrupted by the Gallade raising one of his arms.

"No, I've had it with being called a sissy all the time!" he said angrily, "From Kabutops I can take it, but his bloody daughter!? It's time for 'uncle sissy' to show you what he's really made out of!"

"No, I mean..." Pikablu tried to continue, but too disoriented to continue. He couldn't tell whether it was his niece's panicked shouts, or the puzzling name that had been uttered earlier.

"Don't even try it, you've sucked up the glory long enough!" the Gallade shouted, interrupting him once again, "Finally, it's my turn! I'll beat him up, rescue the little girl and do a victory dance of epic proportions!"

"... Stop acting like you're saving the goddamn world, showoff!" Pikablu shouted back, losing track of his train of thoughts.

"YOU GONNA HELP ME OR WHAT!?" Kabuta screamed with a couple of violent twists against Lucario, who almost fell off her.

"Just lie down and relax..." the Gallade whispered as a subtle smile formed on his face. Without any hesitation, he walked up to Lucario who had a bored expression on his face and Kabuta who at long last looked up to him.

"Remember the show you're about to see" he said with a wave of his left arm, "It will be... Beautiful!"

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Chapter End Notes:
Yep, Episode III. This is where I'd make a Star Wars joke, but with the prequel trilogy I don't think I could surpass that.

Last warning: NOW the characters and events from Forever Legendary will become prominent. Eh, either you've read it by now, or you're just never going to.

Anyway, recognize Kabuta? She's all grown up, now! Kabutops also had a son, and the two of them were featured at the end of Remorseful Vampire Zerobi.

... Excessive cursing? Well, how'd you think someone practically raised by Pikablu would turn out!? Let's just hope she doesn't battle Celebi, that x4 weakness'll be her doom!

Oh yeah, someone asked me for the age of each character, so I thought I'd post my response here for everyone to see... In case you're curious.

Now, obviously I can't count this up in human years... Different types of Pokèmon have different lifespans, so it really wouldn't tell you much... And instead of forcing you to get out your calculator by making a "multiply by x.y" chart, I'll just show at what stage in life every character's currently at:

(Going from oldest to youngest, I.E Zerobi's somewhat older than Lucario, etc. Also, x/y means that they're the same age)

Gritania (Extremely long natural lifespan)

Middle Aged

The Dragonite
The Gallade/
Astrid (Aerodactyl)

Young Adult
Astrid (Bouldeon)

Mew (Extremely long natural lifespan)
Celebi (Extremely long natural lifespan)

The Piplup
Pichu (Permanently)
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