AGNPH Stories


this story is about an anthro espeon named voi.

  1. Chapter 1 (721 words) [Reviews: 1]

  2. Chapter 2 (818 words)

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    Friendly resident Cyndaquil
    Reviewer: Cyn
    Date:Jul 9 2014 Chapter:Chapter 1

    A bit short, so I'll hold off on a rating until this story is fleshed out more. You asked for constructive criticism, so here goes.

    First, about your sentence structure:


    Commas are important in separating thoughts and clauses within a sentence, and gives the reader cues on when to pause or slow down when reading. Without them, sentences tend to run on and on without giving the reader a chance to comprehend each segment of the sentence that's semantically related. Omitting or not using commas is just as bad as leaving out periods.

    Second, about your paragraphing:

    It's good that you separated your story into chunks rather than just a wall-of-text, but merely breaking up the words is not enough. Each paragraph should be about a single topic, and when the topic changes, so too should the paragraph. For example:

    A Bright light on my face caused me to jolt awake. / My name is Voi and I am an espeon. But I'm not a regular espeon I'm able to stand on my hind legs and I have hands and feet instead of paws. The reason I'm like this is I was created in a lab to test if pokemon and human DNA could really be mixed. / Everyday since being created I've had to endure being poked and prodded by needles causing me intense pain but also causing me to grow stronger mentally. Everything I've learned I've gotten from reading the minds of the scientists who study me and keep me locked up for their experiments. / I slowly started to plan my escape stealing all the information I could about the facility I was locked away in from the people that kept me here.

    This first part of your story should be broken up by topic, like into 4 paragraphs as separated by "/" above. Each section talks about a different thing that isn't related to the topic before. If it seems like your paragraphs are too short, you can add more detail and try and show the reader rather than just tell them.