AGNPH Stories
Rated:PG [Reviews: 3]


Join Noah the Linoone as he discovers the joys and pains of raising a kid.

Parenthood 2014 Contest Entry

  1. To be a Father (5555 words) [Reviews: 3]

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    Reviewer: zippas
    Date:Jan 27 2014 Chapter:To be a Father

    You accomplished a lot here to show the struggles of a single, adoptive parent in the context of the pokemon world. I could feel Noah's pain and stressful moments throughout, underscored by the uphill battle he faces as a mere linoone, and the vividly depicted battles helped to support your overarching plot. My only criticism is that it feels like more could easily be done with this story. Regardless, it is a worthy entry into the month's contest on its own merits, whether or not it wins the prize by default, and sets a high standard for any other submissions that may come along.


    Retroactively Continuitous
    Reviewer: cge0361
    Date:Jan 27 2014 Chapter:To be a Father
    Technical considerations:

    • Scott is referred-to as a he first, and a she later. This may be an error.

    • Terra is “downed” twice, first literally and second figuratively, with just enough separation to make it read awkwardly to me.


    Once you got into the battles, the pacing worked well, but before that it was somewhat rough. It felt like you were careful to establish everything you thought you needed to establish, but wound up over-establishing. You touched Noah's relationship with his family (father, relevant here) but did not really use it. Lynn also had nothing to do except to count toward six; she fell into the collective noun of Caden's Team after their Pokécenter visit. I found the dream to well-deliver an insight into Noah's mindset, but it only resolves indirectly, which felt like a missed opportunity. I feel like there were at least two dramatic beats coming from it that didn't happen.

    The sentiment rings true, and there really isn't anything wrong here. But, since I strive to use every part of my buffalo—even if it won't be used until another, much later story—that I can, and since I was not surprised by any of these plot developments, what sticks with me most is the stuff that I would, were I writing this which I'm not, try to develop further. (And, of course, you left this as “Complete: No”, so I'm easily speaking prematurely.)
    Author's Response:

    Thanks so much for the detailed review!  I know I'm not a superb writer, and any pointers in the right direction are greatly appreciated.

    Scott's gender switch was indeed a typo, some careless revising on my part.  At the current time this is a one-shot fic, so no future chapters unfortunately.  At the start when writing this, I wasn't sure how much backstory was needed and/or if I wanted to continue this storyline in the future (also, due to lack of experience writing short stories).

    And yes, most of the background team members were filler to get the group up to 6 (I didn't see a good way to route the plot around this fact).  But hey, Caden has a powerful team, he deserves to have the full 6 (or 7).

    Reviewer: redacted
    Date:Jul 21 2014 Chapter:To be a Father
    Wow, nicely done. A very good story which was fun to read.
    I didn't notice any spelling errors, but I did catch several grammatical errors. Making this a really great short story.

    The cliche of an over protective parent and rebellious teenager could have been left out. However the way you use that in the final scene really makes it interesting. Also I'm amused how you used your favorite pokémon in it too.
    Very good job, and I hope to read more stories such as this again.