Story Notes:
First story. Hopefully this reads as well as it played out in my head...Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
-
Prologue (2072 words) [Reviews: 1]
-
Comforting (3614 words) [Reviews: 1]
-
Memories (3630 words)
Date:Jul 1 2013 Chapter:Prologue
Wow. This story was posted august of last year! And you havent gotten any attention by now? You poor thing :'(. Alright... here I go:
I know this is the prologue, and I haven't read the next chapters so I'm not sure where the story is headed so far, but I can tell you have put quite an interesting spin on things, but some of those are confusing. In the beginning, you have a dream? Vision? Memory? if you will, about what I would assume to be a violent home invasion, and the capture of a loving father I would assume would turn out to be the Gallade. However, from what is stated further into the chapter, it makes it sound as though it wasn't as traumatic an experience as it started out being. IE: The trainer gives Gallade the choice to leave or stay, and they collectively decide he should go. Which, I guess given the circumstance, would be heartbreaking, but definitely not the opening in which was written at the beginning.
I like what you did with the chapter breakers. I've never seen it before except for in plays and screen writes, and I believe its pretty interesting, with the one exception that it doesn't seem to mean anything other than just changing the text font... which is okay.
All in all, I think you have an ok plot and sort of an epic disaster premonition. I'll have to read more to be sure though ;)
{Achievement unlock!}
My first story [10G]
Posted your first story... duh :/
{Achievement unlock!}
A set up to kill for[25G]
Have a gripping opening which sucks the reader in for a dark setting.
{Achievement unlock!}
Oops, forgot to break the mold [50G]
Have a reviewer outright copy your reviewing niche.
Date:Jul 1 2013 Chapter:Comforting
Any way, I'm not sure if this is on purpose or on accident, but I cant say I'm a huge fan of it. Still the sex scene was way hot and it took up almost the whole chapter, so right now I'm a little in the grey area of what the story is to focus on. Sex or story? Thats not to say you cant do both, but truth be told, I have a hard time doing that; I mean look at Mina, I can go 5 chapters without a sex scene lol. After reading this chapter, I can tell that the intro to the first chapter wasn't Gallade being captured, but maybe Ralts, or Loppunny maybe?
Also while we are on the topic of things I cant spell, I noticed a few areas with spelling errors, and grammatical discrepancies (Wow, can't believe I spelled that right lol). No biggie, but it did make me trip a little.
Overall, I'd say this chapter rates a 1/4 ratio of story to smutt. Which is once again, fine I guess.
I'm really sorry if I come off a bit over critical at times, I don't mean to be mean, it just happens that way, and if you think this is bad, you should have been in my English 102 class lol! I was such an ass... :/
{Achievement unlock!}
Aghh! Jizz, jizz everywhere! [5G]
Have a long sex scene and a satisfying cumshot leaving one character with a sticky situation on his/her face.
{Achievement unlock!}
Battle of the sexes?? [10G]
Have a sex scene containing homoerotic partners.
{Achievement unlock!}
Close call! [50G]
Have an adult character almost get caught by a child character in an adult act.
I appreciate the feed back, and truth be told this was my first pokemon fanfic that was uploaded before the domain change, so it's been up longer than that and had 4 reviews before the change.
and I meant to keep it going, but I ending running into a severe case of writer's block that prevented me from continuing, which may explain why I did chapter 3--totally unrelated to anything, but I had fun with it.
and I like that you copied my review style.
but rest assured, my current project will take on a different approach, and will be even bigger. maybe i'll go and redo this story and ramp up the story aspect. cuz I had big plans for this in later chapters.
looking forward to more of mina soon!